One thing I’m learning through my rapid cellular degeneration is to appreciate what my body can do rather than what it can’t. Okay, so I’m not ageing dramatically or anything, but I’ve certainly noticed how my limbs don’t bounce back in such a flubberish fashion anymore. A while back I did in a ligament in my knee and slowly nursed it back to health (I’m making myself sound a helluva lot more caring and matronly than I am) over a few months. I’m not saying I was a wild teen in any fashion (except for the occasional pungent jungle aroma. Thanks puberty!), but I’d generally give a certain disregard for my body and how it dealt with most anything. Back in those hallowed years I could take a beating and come out swinging in a metaphorical sense (I don’t know if I’ve ever been in a fist-fight). These days my body is less Wolverine and more Charles Xavier, but without the fancy unexplained yellow hovercraft thing. I guess we presumed that in a world populated by beings with uncanny genetic powers, amazing alien races and astonishing technology, The Professor’s proxy wheelchair begged no explanation.
I think almost every type of loophole in that series could be explained by either aliens or mutant powers. Slightly lazy I guess, but hey, I haven’t written a comic series spanning multiple decades. Everything was a Shi’ar this or a Magneto that. It’d be pretty handy to have that kind of catch-all on my side. It’s funny, but I’m sitting here trying to think of a throwaway flippant comment using these lazy plot devices and I’m totally stuck. Ironically, ain’t it? It’s like having ten thousand spoons and being entirely at the whim of Magneto. Dumb, just dumb. It’d almost be worth having powers of magnetism right now to entirely erase everything on this page and computer so far. A messier and far more frustrating method than using the backspace key, really. It’s insane the inconvenience that altering magnetic fields could place on modern life. Unwittingly destroying any kind of computerised device. You couldn’t keep a smartphone, EFTPOS or credit cards would become useless plastic, you’d probably be incapable of conducting any kind of transaction at a retail store without crashing their systems. Your potential for unintentional douchebaggery would be off the charts.
I was about to ponder if you’d be able to propel yourself in a car without using the engine before realising Magneto can fly anyway. One point in your favour I guess. Though considerably less useful in winter. You can command magnetic fields, but that wouldn’t keep you warm in spandex and a cape, would it? At least he’s wearing a helmet for safety’s sake. Surely that’s a barely touched on concern in comic books. Winter would be way too harsh for so many, outside of those with heat oriented powers. I know there are a few Canadian super heroes, but do Alpha Flight parade around in fleeced jeans? Does everyone just start packing merino for the colder months? Villains too, since their attire is barely different from their opposition. Perhaps there’s a downwards trend of crime over the chillier season. Does Dr Doom curl up in his Latvian mansion with a teddy and a cup of hot chocolate to churn through his TiVo’d seasons of The Bachelor? I wouldn’t blame him. I’m sure after a multitude of beatings and defeats at the hands of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes he’s learned to nurse his wounds and take time when he needs it. I’m smart enough to know when to hold ’em, despite my ineptitude at poker. Ol’ Victor von Doom is a brilliant scientist (and son of gypsies apparently?), he’d know when to take a knee.