Congenital greetings! Sounds like some perverted holiday salutation.

Pretty sure that there are zero pictures of my dick on the internet. I consider that an achievement of sorts. I mean, if I’d sought to put some out there and there were none, that would be naught to take solace in. If I’d tried to upload them to imgur or post them on 4chan yet yielded no dick pics on the web, I think I’d be losing then. No snapchatted prick photos or rick-roll Youtube cock shots. Nothing. I think my nipple might appear once or twice on Facebook, but that’s about as scandalous as it gets (apart from talking about your masturbatory habits on your own blog? -Ed). What am I, some kind of phallustine?

Please don’t confuse this for either braggadocio or anything puritanical. I have no issue with the concept of people putting themselves out there. By “themselves” I obviously mean their baby building bits. I’ve got friends who’ve done porn and there’s no moral judgement coming from me. If you know what you’re getting into and want to proceed, knock yourself out. If you and your audience are both consenting, then what wrong is being perpetrated? I don’t consider it a matter of dignity that my shaft has stayed well away from photographic lenses. It’s a preference, nothing more or less.

The thing is, I was thinking today about how as soon as a new technology emerges (after military applications have taken their pound of flesh) people use it to plaster their peen onscreen somehow. Snapchat is a highly functional piece of. Nah, I can’t even finish that sentence. I don’t think anyone but the app’s accountant thinks it’s important software.  Still, no sooner had it hit the Google Play store than people were transmitting their bits to others. Chatroulette/Omeagle were known for the same reasons. Does anyone even use them for the intended purpose? Who am I to say that genital sharing wasn’t the intended purpose? If it was then I’ve definitely missed the boat on all of them. Don’t even own a webcam, so that rules out any penile posing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve never done it and I don’t get the point. I don’t know what you gain from the exchange when it comes to internet exhibitionism. You show your dick, the gal balks and quits the chat. Is there more to it than that? What happens when they do quit? Do you just soldier on and save your salami for the next comely lass to come across you cumming across her? Is sexposing (have I ever sounded more like Cosmo?) yourself an endless quest to find a doe eyed dear who finds your dear dick endearing? Suddenly I’ve become overwhelmed by my strong underdog complex and I’m almost on their side. Talking about turning on a dime. I mean, fuck the non-consensual elements, that’s the mortar of a shit brickhouse. That endless dedication to the cause, however? That grit in the face of adversity? I kind of admire that.

I mean, what’s under-riding your over exposure? Surely it’s that utterly human need to be desired. We all want others to see something in us that they admire, if not want. Everyone wants to be the star of their adventure and receive their token adoration. These dudes, while fundamentally embarking on shitty behaviour by putting their needs before their consideration for others, must exhibit a certain amount of loneliness. Has someone way down the line left them with lingering seeds of self-doubt? Is it a problem that one random female with a coy grin could fix? Has past heartbreak left them with a compulsion to discover someone out there who can appreciate their existence (and by existence, I’m once again talking about their dick)? Or is it a confused and horny teenage boy trying to thrust himself into a world he has yet to understand? Is it an older guy who just wants to relive the rush of his more adventurous youth (or compensate for his lack thereof)? As long as she’s ok with it (always consent, guys. Always), what’s the harm?

Maybe I’m filling these guys too full with the milk o’ human kindness (which they’re looking to pump into some unsuspecting sista). I’ve had some thoughts that are pure conjecture, so take this next bit with a grain or two of salt. I’m sure the majority of indiscretions stem from deviant desires to despoil innocence. There’s an undeniable element of the male psyche that just wants to tear apart something because it’s nice, gentle, beautiful. Please don’t equate this to a “men are all monsters” thing, but I think on some level there’s a a truth to it. Whether a man admits it or not, I feel like there’s a primal urge (that most of us would very rarely if never act on) that’s hidden deeper in some than others. A drive that likely arises from feelings of guilt or disgust at our own baser needs. What do men do when it comes to sex? We get horny then fertilise others. It takes two to make a thing go right and I’m not denigrating men’s role in crafting a tiny human, but our biological imperative is to disseminate ourselves rather than focus on a more nurturing directive.

Is there a notion of jealousy at women’s ability to produce offspring and bring life into the world? The Madonna/Whore dichotomy couldn’t have become pervasive if not for a nascent element of something that’s not kosher. Do we resent the fairer sex for the purity we associate with childbirth? Is there something insidious driving this insatiable need to prove that women can be gross and sexual too? Are we merely trying to bring them down to our level? To point a metaphorical finger and say “oh yeah, well she wanted it too, she’s not so pure after all.” Are we trying to apportion the blame for our own self-hatred? As if trying to explain to the virtuous image we hold of our own mothers that we’re not monsters, we’re still worthy of love because we weren’t solely to blame? Could that somehow cause these dudes to centre the camera on their crotch and stroke away?

*Shrug* Maybe they just really love their penis and want to share it with someone else. Random act of cockness?

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