The snow seems far too early this year. I had a pseudo-slip in which I nearly lost my balance, but thankfully retained a dry butt. A little sliding, which used to be an intended past time as a child, now freaked me the shit out with its unpredictability. Were things this bad last year? In trying to find focus for tonight’s scribblings, I looked back to see how different this time last year really was:
My writing seemed fresher. There’s nothing to deny here. If found it more enthralling, hopeful and evocative. I had the wide eyes of a child looking out at the world (stolen Dennis Rodman in Demolition Man style) and harnessed that view to put words on a page. Good words though. There was more of a flow, interesting concepts cropped up on a more regular basis and looking back with perspective, I like where my wordsmithery was at back then. I guess it’s been blown to wordsmithereens now? Dumb. I guess I can blame pumping out over 350 pieces of writing since then. I hit 600 entries the other day. Holy toots that’s a honking shit-ton of crap. It’s a good thing websites don’t have feelings, because I think I would’ve just upset this one something chronic otherwise.
This time last year it’d just started snowing. I equipped myself with the best armour that small allotments of money could buy. Today I did the exact same thing at the same store, but having learned from my last winter’s experience. Now a veteran, I knew to skip the ostentatious crap for more pared down, practical garments. Last year I bought big floppy gloves and a dumb Russian style fuzzy hat. This year a simple, unadorned, black beanie paired up with some grey mittens. I suspect they might actually be part of the Transformers universe. The mitten cap peels back to leave them as fingerless gloves and the thumb has a little cover. Assuaging my priorities, it means I can still use my smartphone in the deepest winter. That is, at least, until it gets so frosty that my fingertips freeze over and the phone refuses to acknowledge that this finger shaped popsicle is actually a human digit. Let’s see how this one plays out for me.
My relationship status last year was complicated. It’s nice to see nothing’s changed. Last November, having just come out of a lovely relationship that ended amicably, someone was waiting in the wings. I’d had my suspicions she might’ve been interested. I’d remembered her swooping in pretty soon after, but looking back at my writing, it turns out she stepped in while the corpse of the relationship was still warm. Less than a week after closing things off, other things flared up. It was a lot to deal with and didn’t last long. Nice girl, not the right fit for me. Things right now are infinitely more complicated, but that’s a story for some other time. I still need to work out all the details. Suffice to say I’m half convinced I’m living in a sitcom right now. This shit is bananas. I feel like Kramer’s about to bust down my door any second.
This time last year I was about 2 weeks away from interviewing for the position I’m starting next Monday. Obviously I didn’t get it last year, so that’s some kind of improvement. I’m ready to start my first real grown up job since I arrived, which is why I compensated by finally purchasing my custom made snorlax kigurumi. Nothing says “I’m an adult” quite like an expensive pyjama costume.
I guess what I want to know is that I’m learning, growing from my experiences. If I’m not, then why make the journey? If my mantra is to be “owning it” then I’ve gotta own every part of it. Even the faults. Harnessing the power of retrospect tells me that in order to push my writing to where I want it to be, I’ve got some lessons to learn from the me that I was. That’s not to say that I’ve learned nothing, but perhaps to regain some of what I’ve forgotten. I need to sort my shit out in regards to the fairer sex. I’m so quick to espouse the use of logic in these situations, but when I’m there, logic is in a galaxy far far away. I can’t expect things to solidify until I can identify what it is I’m actually looking for. Part of that is self-respect and self-care, considering my needs rather than wanting to ensure everyone else is happy. Sometimes that’s the hardest part.
Then again, I’m getting that kigurumi. I haven’t exactly accomplished nothing.