Screenplaying with myself. Cinemasturbation. The show must go onanism.

To celebrate my last day as a barista, I drank enough coffee to prevent me from sleeping. Ever. Consequently I’ve decided to kill this next half hour by coming up with impromptu screenplay ideas.

  • A brilliant scientist discovers the cure for cancer, but the shock of doing so has her consciousness trapped in the body of a horse. She must quest to find Robert Redford (playing himself playing the titular character from 1998’s The Horse Whisperer), the only man capable of truly understanding her. Warning, may contain erotic human/animal subtext.
  • A lowly barista falls into a vat of magical brew coffee. It causes one eye to see 1 minute into the future while the other sees 1 minute into the past.
  • A young marketing intern discovers the woman of his dreams. The catch? She’s a character mascot from an unpopular cereal brand. He embarks on a personal quest to popularise the brand in order to meet an actress who best embodies her character.
  • A bike tyre repair girl discovers her skin has the ability to withstand large amounts of air pressure from within. She must rise up to save the world from Ccuumulative Industries, an evil corporation intent bent on privatizing oxygen.
  • An awkward, talentless tweenage girl is given 24 hours to get 1,000,000 views on Youtube or else her family will be executed by a crazed Buzzfeed writer. She mus find her chewy, marketable tootsie roll centre to save the people she loves.
  • A blind, deaf mute discovers that they can communicate with computers via a USB input at the end of their tongue. They have vital information that could save The President’s life, but they only have a week. Also they have no hands.
  • The internet becomes sentient and depressed. Humanity’s only hope lies in a cat obsessed first year psych major.
  • Aliens decide Vladamir Putin is the perfect human and imbue him with godlike powers. The president of Uganda is the only one who can stand against him.
  • A seamstress discovers that her equipment can cut apart and stitch together dimensions. She must seek to undo the mayhem she has caused before a picky customer gives her a bad Yelp review.
  • An anonymous, asexual, anthrophobic internet denizen drunkenly posts the most romantic tweet in the world and must avoid the world discovering his identity. In doing so, learns a greater lesson about the deadly perils of privacy in today’s society. At least 70 people die throughout the film.

Anyone can take these ideas and run with them, as long as you name a side character after me and credit me in the movie as being “swell”.

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