Or just start mainlining PCP. If I can’t feel my skin, how will I feel the cold?

I’m a living experiment. I’m testing my hypothesis that even my burgeoning cold is resistant to any and all homeopathic remedies I can throw at it. I’m sure it seems like a strange course of action when my usual response to woo woo skews a little like this. You’d think I’d be cramming my maw full of drugs. Back in the day, the things we consider to be illegal stimulants were often used pharmaceutically. Cocaine tooth drops, LSD as a pain killer. Hell, heroin started off as a cough suppressant. Wonder if anyone has a smack of that lying around…

Still, in an attempt to shift this dark cloud of sloppy shitstorm from brewing inside my body while still remaining on the right side of the law, I’ve been taking any suggestions people might throw my way. I came back from the gym this morning feeling flushed. I pinned that upon the fact that I’d probably sweat so much my bodily organs had nothing to run on. Strange that, considering as soon as I walked in the door, my nose begun leaking its viscous discharge. Could I have phrased that any less enticingly? Didn’t think so. Wasn’t the point. Anywho, I used about 15 tissues before I left the house. Got to work and my pallor had blanched. Intent on groking the systems at my new job as soon as possible, I powered through, but it became evident that the 10 or so tissues I bought hadn’t been enough. Thus started a train of cures, each caboose filled with the chance of potential alleviation. Let’s take a gander at what I’ve tried in my quest to turn my body into a font of health:

  • Emergen C vitamin C sachet. A coworker gifted me one and I poured the contents into my water bottle. It was like drinking weaksauce Raro and left me having to pee excessively. Also could’ve been due to the fact that I drank a litre of water in an hour.
  • Cold prevention tablets. I found them discounted from $20 to $10 and bought them without reading much more. I should’ve taken that as a sign. With the primary ingredient being echinacea, they weren’t medicine so much as flower tablets to swallow. They tasted like aniseed going down, which was kind of pleasant. I think they helped with mild symptom relief, but that’s about it. The box said to take 5 per day at the first sign of infection. By the end of work I huffed two just to keep up. I felt somewhat woozy, but crossed my mittened fingers for the best.
  • Water, lots of water. Keeping my fluids up in an attempt to flush out the toxins I once more discovered that I really just had to pee. It became farcical at some point and honestly, a catheter would’ve helped.
  • Bought two massive oranges, tore off the skin and ate them like apples. None of this slicing bollocks for me, just straight biting into the juicy flesh of those sunny orbs.
  • Soup. I had a massive soup at a Chinese restaurant. I know the vapour itself is meant to help somehow. I asked them to chop up a metric fuckton of garlic and throw it in there. When I got to the bottom I found about half a clove in little pieces. You can be sure they got a decent tip.
  • Got back in the door, grabbed a massive mug and poured myself a hot toddy. The toddy was both hot and massive to go with the mug. I think I may have been a bit liberal on the whiskey, because it immediately went to my head. Concurrently, my head cold disappeared and the symptoms retreated. No idea about the infection, but this much is a boon. Correct me if I’m wrong, but medicating with alcohol is copacetic, right?
  • My flatmate saw my Facebook post about my state and knocked on the door with some herbal tea. Good on ya mate.

As of tonight I’m planning on hitting the hay almost immediately. I haven’t had an 8 hour sleep since before I started the job. Could be that my body’s telling me to take it easy. On the eve of German Sparkle Party I can ill afford to damper any moment of the fair occasion. If I’m to believe that there’s magic left in the world, I know it’s to be found at German Sparkle Party. In the words of Parappa the Rapper “I gotta do what? I gotta believe!”


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