Like everyone and their dog (whom I’m supposing has opposable thumbs) I did one of those Facebook year in review things. What really struck me was how bizarre and eclectic it seemed without context. Very few of the pictures made any sense. So naturally I removed any context surrounding them. As a kind of companion piece for anyone who is both a Facebook friend and follows this project, here’s some clarification to spoil all the fun.
Greaser photo: The first image has me standing against a brick wall, wearing a black jacket, upturned collar, greased hair and Danny Zuko-esque curl. From a Grease themed Crush party evening, I found the era that truly called to me. I’m a man out of time who really should’ve been performing elaborate dance numbers in front of muscle cars rather than spilling my written seed over the internet.
A sign that reads “Northcote Av”: Found at 6am New Years Day when walking home inebriated from a great gig. Northcote is the area I grew up in back home. I gave it some cheesy caption like “No matter how far we’ve come, we’ll never forget where we’re from” that made sense in my state. Now I see how much it oozes an overly saccharine charm. Still, I’m a happy drunk.
A rack full of Four Loko: Four Loko and I have a long and debaucherous history (that I’m sure it shares with all other patrons). Seeing an array of 6 flavours in front of me was like finding fool’s gold at the end of a rainbow. Never again I always protest, yet who am I to confront inevitability?
A group of friends and I ice skating by the waterfront: In Canada they just call it “skating”. You can clearly see me demonstrating the vital “airplane” technique, designed for maximum childishness when turning on ice.
My backpacker bag stacked against a column: I was preparing for a visit to Costco. ‘Nuff said.
My computer chair: I noticed it looks just like a disapproving Muppet. I thought people should know.
A stack of sex toys: So I attended the Feminist Porn Convention this year. It was great, a nexus of learning that left me with a lot to think about. It also left me with a literal buttload of sex toys after my $5 ticket to the after party wound up scoring me a spot prize pack. Lube, vibrator, cock ring, cock vibe, butt plug, candle and hygiene products. It was like going from zero to sex-y instantly.
A photo of an impoverished child getting clean water: Okay, so this is my favourite subway ad. The kid is pouring clean water from a tap into a small petrol tank, but he’s so focused on looking at the camera that he doesn’t even notice he’s spilling most of the water. I shared this observation with a preaching Jehovah’s Witness on the TTC once and he couldn’t keep from laughing. So apparently Jehovah doesn’t care much for poor people. What a dick.
A photo of me with bizarre facial hair: After a number of people told me I looked like Adam Driver, I wanted to test the theory by imitating his moustache/goatee combo. My friend called it when he said it looked like my lips were being devoured by teeth made of facial hair. Suffice to say, I didn’t look like Adam Driver.
My mower and front lawn, overrun by dandelions: Crowdsourcing, I tried to check if there was anything useful I could do with the pretty weeds. My inner sloth rejected all suggestions out of laziness, so no dandelion wine for me.
My Northcote Forever shirt: Well I guess I already kind of answered this one further up. My brother sent me over the yellow version of a shirt I got him for his wedding years back. Still wear it all the time.
Weird tree ad from the subway: A mother stands with her child, holding aloft a pink pig piñata. She’s screaming in terror as her other child, blindfolded, wields a club. What amused me was how horrifyingly muscular the clubbing child is. Airbrushing gone too far?
Mini recycling bin filled with drink: I had an Anything But Cups flatwarming. This was my vessel of choice. A visual pun of “getting trashed”.
Paper crane: I reviewed This Will Destroy You at Lee’s Palace. At some point during the gig a girl turned around and gave me a paper crane. It’s probably the most twee thing that’s happened to me.
Tower of tuna: Tuna was $1 a can. I bought 20 and stacked them up under my chin. Taking the shot from a low angle, it was tuna all the way down.
Me and Dan Harmon: The money shot? Being too drunk to properly control my emotions, it looks like I’m mildly perturbed instead of delirious with joy. I think by that point my conscious mind had shut down.
Tinned fish: Seeking pun related hi-jinks, I posted a photo of my cupboard, featuring over $40 worth of tinned fish. I suggested a “fin-tervention”. The peanut gallery joined in and great times were had at the expense of sustainable fishing.
My oven: I realised that my oven looked like a creepy android with pursed lips. It’s not often I sexualise inanimate objects, but when I do I’m thoroughly disturbed.
My snorlax kigurumi: I figured that I’d put enough hope and faith into a random internet etsy person and her craftiness to take a selfie in celebration. I’ve never felt quite so fuzzy in my life.
Me well dressed, holding a small milk jug aloft: My friend had run out of vessels. As always, this was the least of my problems. In waistcoat and fancy shirt, I quirked an eyebrow and cheers’d the camera.
2014 was a weird and excellent year. If 2015 is half as eventful, I’ll be far from bored.