I had a chuckle. Just one. A singular ha, really. It was more reminiscent of a snort, but of a cordial nature. So it goes. My mum saw my post considering polyamory and gave me her guidance: “This polyamorous stuff sounds like a crock of shit to me.” Just so we get the mood right here, I think this is funny. My parents are swell, supportive and ultimately just want me to be happy. I know and appreciate it every day. I’m both humbled and impressed to live in a society where my mother would probably prefer for me to be gay and happy than considering relationships with multiple women. How far we’ve come. I mean that. I also don’t take any offence whatsoever with what she’s said. Neither my mum nor I full understand what it means to be poly, so neither of us is a strong position to judge either way. She could be totally right and I might be walking out into the world wearing a white shirt, asking for trouble. Or I could come out elated on the other side, somehow untarnished by shit the world throws at me. To be honest, I don’t even know when Labour Day is anyway. Plus I haven’t even finished reading this book on nonmonogamy yet, let alone found another girl who can look past the dumb puns and see that I have a lot more to give deep inside. Dumb puns that is.
I have enough going for me that girls occasionally take pity and adopt me as their own. The thing is, if things don’t work out I’m kind of shitty at communicating it. That’s something I want to work on. I’m not content to throw it into the New Years Resolutions basket, ’cause I think it begs constant improvement. I’ve broken things off before and it’s far from my greatest strength in a relationship. I once bought a bottle of her favourite wine, left it with her best friend and told her the friend that sometime soon my girlfriend would probably need her. I don’t know if this helped matters at all. Another time I waited until after my girlfriend’s exam to break it off. She said she would’ve preferred I’d ripped off the band-aid before the exam rather than dragging it out. Consequently the next time this situation came up with another partner I took my ex’s advice and broke it off a few days before the exam. This didn’t work so well.
My overwhelming method (depending on length and depth of relationship of course) has been ghosting. I can imagine it’s beyond shitty to be left not knowing where you stand and having someone slowly drift away. It’s a fucked up, immature thing to do and I regretfully admit I’ve done it more than I would’ve liked to. Enough so that I’m intending to be much clearer from this point onwards. If there’s a problem or reason things aren’t proceeding, I want to do them the courtesy of at least letting them know. In the past week I’ve contacted two girls to apologise for my past actions, explaining that I didn’t need forgiveness or anything, I just wanted to acknowledge that I realised I’d treated them poorly. Self-honesty tells me this was probably to massage my own ego more than salve theirs, but I hope it at least gave them a sliver of closure. To not be a dick is the end goal. The road is long and hard, but hopefully it has a happy ending.
To reiterate, it’s honesty I’m looking for. Not maturity.