Ronald makes it all too real. I’m loathing it.

Sometimes I just lose myself in thought over McDonaldland. It was such a strange, wondrous and occasionally nightmarish place. Because my mind tends to wander a little, it just raises so many questions. Multimedia time:

THE GREEN ONE IS STARING INTO MY SOUL

Why don’t Grimace, Hamburglar or Birdie have irises?

Seriously, what the shit are those colourful balls? Why do only some of them have identical iris colours to their fur? Why is it only the male gendered fuzz puffs staring into the camera? They have roller skates, does McDonaldland have roads? If so, do they have cars? Is there an automotive industry? Who runs it? Considering that most of the population don’t have arms, how are the cars controlled? Why do only some of the characters have mouths? Do these fur balls photosynthesise? If they don’t eat, how do they have the strength to keep their muscles running? Roller skating takes a lot of energy. If these things do eat, what do they eat? Seeing as everything in McDonaldland is anthropomorphic, do they just eat each other? What do a nugget’s internal organs look like? I assume everything is cooked at McDonalds, since it seems to be the only corporation around. Who runs the kitchens? Are things even prepared? Or does everything live in a state of eternal cooked-ness?

Also, McDonalds man. Is this what it’s like to live in an eternal monopoly? I mean, Mayor McCheese exists, but is he really anything more than a puppet diplomat? This town is run by corporate interests. Who manufactures everything? Look at that branding, everyone’s a spokesperson whether they like it or not. Also what’s the deal with Officer Big Mac? Between Hamburglar and Captain Crook, crime is running rampant, yet he can never seem to keep even Hamburglar behind bars. If all the burgers are anthropomorpic, does that mean that crime in McDonaldland is exclusively kidnapping? Do these burgers have families at home? If so, children? How does a burger reproduce?

What the shit happened to Grimace’s extra arms? Did they just fall off? Or is McDonaldland engaging in nefarious genetic tampering without our knowledge? No wonder he has such a vacant, soulless thousand-yard stare. This apparent utopia is unravelling in front of my eyes. All I wanted was a quick and easy meal, not a worrying moral conundrum. I just don’t know that I can bring myself to eat there any more. This fantasy has become all too real.

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