When people are considering putting a vibrator in their bum are they thinking “what watt in the butt?”

The only stand up I’ve been seeing lately is queer comedy. It’s great stuff. I was curious to see if I had any place writing material on the subject as a cis straight white dude. I’ve had this idea floating around in my head about how awesome and hilarious gay drug muling is and the endless questions that revolve in my head about it. I wanted to write a short preamble, then got lost in the muddle. Maybe some other day. If this is genuinely offensive to anyone outside of mainstream heterosexuality, I’d like to know, ’cause that’s not my intention.

Have you ever noticed how straight dudes always have to announce their straight dudeness before talking about anything a little queer?

“I’m not gay, but Brad Pitt’s a pretty good looking guy.”

Those are mutually exclusive sentences in the making. Meaning that either one works entirely without the other. You can think something is good looking without that meaning you want to rub your genitals in or on it.

“Brad Pitt’s a pretty good looking guy” doesn’t necessarily translate to “I want his penis in my viable receptacle.” It just means you think he has aesthetically pleasing features. If it’s not something you’re wanting to have sex with, your sexual orientation shouldn’t matter.

I’m not gay, but I think wolves are pretty good looking dogs. Why would my sex preference matter? I definitely wouldn’t hang my [tackle/worm] anywhere near one. I wouldn’t wanna risk catching lupus.

Still, it’s always “I’m not gay, but”. Like you have to throw down some kind of qualifier for the mere threat that people could think you wanted to sleep with men. Like that would be the worst thing. Roughly 50% of the adult population does it. It can’t be all that bad.

“I’m not gay, but it feels pretty good when my girlfriend puts a finger in my ass.”

“I’m not gay, but I think I’ve got a pretty good looking dick.”

Those things are fine, they don’t define your sexuality. Are you that threatened by what people might think about you? If you don’t say anything, what’s the worst that could happen? Another guy might compliment you on your appearance? Life’s tough, snowflake. Harden up. I’m sure you sometimes look at a gal and picture what she’d look like lying naked on on a bed in front of you. Accept the fact that sometimes guys might imagine how you’d look with a dick in your ass.

I’m sure you could take it.

Oh, I’m sorry, was that ambiguous? Maybe I should’ve clarified myself with something like “I’m not gay, but I just made you imagine me imagining you with my dick in your ass.” Dude, that’s a pretty “gay” thing for you to think.

It’s arbitrary and there’s no reason why anyone should give a shit. Honestly your sexuality has no real relevance to me unless we’re both looking to engage in consensual sex with each other.

I’m kind of looking forward to the day when we get bored of these labels. When orientation is so irrelevant that your [cis male poly heteroflexibility] (find some way to make it sound excessively complicated) is no more remarkable in the mainstream than someone’s needlessly convoluted daily Starbucks order. When people only care that you’re a good human being who loves other good human beings. Because I’m fundamentally lazy and don’t want to have to care about caring about these things.

So what I’m trying to say is that I’m not gay, but most people find me to be quite curious. And ambiguous.

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