Gives a new meaning to “dairy whip”. There’s cream involved in any case.

You know how sometimes life offers you circumstance on a platter? Something so intriguing you’d be a fool to pass it up? I’m not one to scoff at these arrangements, hence my decision last night to attend a kink meetup.

Now I don’t consider myself to be incredibly kinky. I’m currently sporting a more French vanilla flavour, but it’s likely that as I discover more about what makes me tick I’ll find myself tasting a little more chocolate ripple. I’m pretty sure there’s some interesting stuff swirling around beneath the surface. Still, attending this meetup was less to search for new aromas than it was to hear and understand what gets other people off. This shit is fascinating. My principle is (as a good friend likes to say) not to “yuck anybody’s yum”. If someone’s into something that does nothing for me but drives them crazy, that’s something I want to hear about. If it’s consensual and not at the expense of anyone else, I’m all ears. To me it’s about learning why that thing would excite them so much. Hey, for all I know it could appeal to me somewhere deep down or trigger a new desire I never knew existed. Nothing last night did, but it was still fascinating.

First up was Vore. Vore wasn’t new to me (thank 10+ years of lurking in 4chan), but I’d never met a real life person who was into it. If you can’t be bothered clicking links, vore is a kink revolving around living things being devoured, or devouring living things. There are variants with or without bloodshed, but I like the idea of sans sang because it allows me to use the phrase “soft vore porn”. I’ve only ever seen it in hentai form (as I said, I lurked 4chan for 10+ years), because it revolves around imaginary fantasy creations. I asked the woman about what it was in vore that drove her nuts. The roots of that kind of kink. She suggested it had something to do with power exchange, the ultimate submittal being to give your entire self and essence over to an overbearing force. Being overwhelmed by something so much more powerful, the perverse joy of inevitability. Funnily enough, the thought of blood made her sick, so the fantasy always had to end before the reality of this fantasy situation set in.

I was riveted.

Next up was food play. The act of covering oneself in some type of edible for sexual gratification. Certainly colours that Patch Adams scene a bit differently. She mentioned being submersed in a pool of jelly (or jello for those North American readers) as a common kink. One of her favourites was to be covered in cake, which people then ate off her naked body. I intimated for her to continue. “Some people might just grab chunks with their hands, or use cutlery. One guy liked to use a knife and fork.” Interesting I thought. I asked if this had any roots in sensation play, if there was something about the feeling of others’ skin amongst the soft cake, or the juxtaposition of the substance with the metallic scrape of a fork’s tines. “Definitely” she replied. “It’s a similar desire to BDSM, to feel sensations outside your normal realm of experience.” That made sense. I asked if there were tiers or hierarchies. Was there status conferred through firmer textures? Do meatloaf people look down on whipped cream rubes? Is a mudcake seen as more daring or challenging than a sponge? Where does ice cream cake fall on the spectrum? Does the temperature of the food have implications to its exotic nature? Did that American Pie scene send shudders through the bedrooms and adult play clubs across the world? SO MANY QUESTIONS. She laughed. “Maybe you’ll just have to try it sometime.”

So I didn’t leave with any chocolate ripple for my ice cream, but I’m sure there are many someones out there who get off on it.

After all this talk of food and eating, is anyone else hungry right now?


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