It takes a fire to make a stew. Or was that reference too subtle for you?

I downloaded Tinder, because clearly I don’t have nearly enough drama or absurdity in my life. Is this one of those things that people do to flesh out richer plot lines in an attempt to force character development? Or am I somehow bored on a rare spare night? Either way, if I’m gonna put together a profile I might as well make use of the time I spend writing and post it here. Will this be another entry in why Leon’s categorically undateable? Do I still get to call on the perpetual singledom trope when I’m already in a relationship? Polyamory hasn’t exactly made things simple:

You’ll think I’m funny because of my accent. Unless you don’t, because you’re racist. It’s hard to be racist against a New Zealander though, being threatening is impossible when your national animal is an adorably fluffy flightless bird. Like the Kiwi, I also can’t fly. Or photosynthesise. Life is tough.

I’m a sex positive, LGBT positive, pun positive, fun positive, HIV negative (but supportive) cis straight white male whose main goal in life is to not be a shitty person. My mum says I’m handsome, but she’s contractually obligated to.

I’m practicing ethical non-monogamy. What this means is that I’m in a loving open relationship with someone who sees other people. I also see other people. I’m trying to connect with women who are ok with this. If you’re not I won’t take offence if you swipe left. At least I’ll assume it’s because of the non-monogamy thing instead of anti NZ sentiment or a dislike of my sweet snorlax onesie.

Since I still haven’t said much about my personality, I should probably get to that. I’m an unashamedly geeky pop cultural savant. I love bad movies, good television, too many podcasts and Too Many Cooks. I’ll try my damnedest to adhere to any kind of theme party, because while it’s easy to be cynical, it’s more rewarding to try genuinely enjoying stuff.

I arrived in Toronto without knowing anyone. Since then I’ve taught children’s gymnastics (without ever having worked with kids or done gymnastics), been a barista (without ever having made a coffee), written for a food blog and reviewed live music gigs. I think I just like saying yes to things and seeing where it’ll lead.

I like to talk and enjoy it more when people can talk back. If you’re interested or passionate about something, I’ll listen. Because I don’t see the point in not learning something new. Also I’ll shamelessly ape your knowledge as conversational fodder at the next theme party I attend.

If reading this wall of text didn’t feel akin to trepanation, then swipe right. If you genuinely know what trepanation feels like, PLEASE swipe right. I need that knowledge for my next theme party.

So I thought it was a 500 word limit on Tinder profiles. Turns out it’s 500 characters. I’m fucked.

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