Seriously, if you’re looking to attract a certain type of guy, that Transformers thing would work every time.

It’s time for another instalment of “Leon’s opinion doesn’t mean shit here”, which was my backup name after I Have My Doubts, because I’m nothing if not ineffectual. Or is that getting too negative (I’m not gonna lie, I think that’s a triple negative and still works the way I intended, but I’m not certain)?

Tinder fucking sucks, guys.

I hate it. It fulfils none of the criteria I’d seek when looking to meet another human being, let alone someone I’d ideally be keen to share bodily fluids with. In the 12 or so hours I’ve been active (8 of those, asleep) I’ve already been turned away enough to press the delete button. It’s bringing out my inner misanthrope and rekindling things I thought I’d dropped in favour of expressing positivity. Somehow though, I haven’t pressed that button. It’s so addictive and I can see exactly why. Whenever you’re ready to do “one last swipe” and dispose of someone, there’s another human directly underneath. Naturally people put their best foot forward, so you think well, I wonder what they have to offer. The answer is more photos shot in the best possible light that tell you nothing positive about that person.

I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that this app isn’t made for me and that’s ok.

But there’s no way I’m not gonna vent the shit out of my frustrations here.

First off, profiles. Why does nobody write one? There’s a 500 character limit. Could you not spend 5 minutes to put together 500 characters? If I’m intending to exchange face to face time with your face, I’d like for it to be able to speak a word or two, words which may be constructed with characters. At the very least it’d shed some light on your character, which is who I’d be wanting to meet. 500 characters is not a huge amount to fill in. I swear at the age of 5 I wrote a book about the autobots and decepticons fighting each other to the death with lasers that possibly hit 500 characters. If a girl on Tinder wrote a 500 character profile that was just a story of autobots and decepticons fighting each other to the death I’d want to wrap my lips around theirs instantly. Even if in some way I just intimated that I want to date my 5 year old self in the body of a lady. Things just got weeeird yo.

Also what’s with all these fucking quotes? You’ve got 500 characters to explain who you are and why your existence is appealing. Can’t you use your own words instead of aping someone else’s? If you’ve got 500 characters, why are you wasting those to explain that you “love to laugh”? That’s a given. You know who doesn’t love to laugh? Sociopaths, and they’re probably still more captivating than you. Tell me the thing that you curse when you wake up in the morning, your favourite Simpsons quote, or the song you think could make the perfect wedding aisle/funeral anthem that isn’t Robbie Williams’ Angels. Give me a reason to look through your pictures, because we all know there are a ton of people on here. Some of whom might actually be interesting.

“I’m looking for more than a hook-up” – Well why don’t you actually say something about yourself rather than just posting pictures highlighting your physical attributes? I’ve got nothing against people looking nice, but rather than just being attractive, tell me why you’re beautiful.

Why do so many gals post photos of groups of females? You and your friends all look the same, how am I meant to tell which one is you? Unless you’re in a polyamorous cluster and the point is to find someone that fits in with that, why not just post photos of yourself?

This is what a typical profile seems to look like:

  • Photo from a bar or event. A group of girls is all dolled up looking flashy. I don’t know who you are and the notion that this is what you’re choosing to highlight about yourself implies this is what you find important. We might not be looking for the same stuff.
  • A greyscale photo from a high angle. You look artsy and mysterious. I still don’t know anything about you other than you know how to focus a camera. Sometimes.
  • Another group scene, this time at the beach. I can see you’re attractive and like spending time with friends. I can see you and your friends like having fun and taking photos. Are these your interests?
  • A photo of you and a dog. I’m not gonna lie, this is done because it works. I’ll freely admit that a few girls I swiped right on just because there was a canine in their life. I feel manipulated, but I’ll concede the point.

See what I mean though? I feel like a shitty person, totally judgemental and willing to dismiss a person’s existence with a simple swipe. If they’re not exactly right, they’re out of my life just like that. This isn’t a tirade against online dating, because we all know I’ve done my fair share of OkCupid-ing and I think it has a lot of positive qualities. Tinder just seems to extract all of my blunt, myopic qualities and thrust them into my thumb.

As I said, I think it’s just not for me. Obviously there are people out there who are just looking to have quick hook ups and I’m not knocking that. If people are looking for a person to fuck rather than a personality to engage with, it’s a fine platform to do that. Go forth, multiply and do what/who makes you happy.

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