No bee puns? How did I not use “oh beehave” at least? That stings.

Finding it pretty tough to complain right now. This week’s been relatively taxing, but I’m ready to leave that in past tense. I’m sitting at a streetside Koreatown restaurant with a perfect view of passers by. Spring has just sprung, the sun’s cast off its heavy blanket and greeted Toronto with a toothy grin. There’s nobody else in the restaurant and I’ve got no pressure to do or be anything right now. Serenity. I’m sitting here with a bubbling bowl of soon tofu. The table is spread with an assortment of side dishes. I’m taking my time, picking over things, grazing lazily. Is this the quintessential writer’s Paris dream for someone who doesn’t like croissants? My rice is purple. What more could I ask for here? I’m basically living in a fantasy. I wouldn’t feel put out if a unicorn and tanuki walked in holding hands right now and ordered the bibimbap. Even if that unicorn somehow used chopsticks I’d be entirely nonplussed. Nothing can steal my bliss right now. Frankly I’m surprised my chair isn’t a cloud, because I’m too high on life for anything to rain on my parade.

I mean, maybe if the unicorn happened to have a really annoying habit, that could damper my mood a tad. Say old horned horse chewed with his mouth open or said “y’know what I’m saying?” at the end of every sentence, that might put a burr in my saddle. Perhaps his tanuki companion could have an ear splitting laugh and respond to everything with “bazinga! Ah say bazinga!” that might irk me a little. Still though, I just got refills on the sweet potato side dishes, so it’d be hard to cramp that swag.

Perhaps an anthropomorphic beehive with a temper Could tick me off a little. I mean, I don’t hate for hating’s sake. If it were to come in and chow down on some sumptuous galbi I wouldn’t have an issue with that. If it decided to re-enact the Nicolas Cage Wicker Man scene on me at the summation if it’s meal I might get slightly perturbed. Killing me won’t bring back your Goddamned galbi! It’d earn you my ire and perhaps a manslaughter charge. How would you like that tacked onto the end of your bill? I bet you’d find it inconvenient. As would I. So if you happen to saunter in, anthropomorphic beehive, keep to yourself here please. Don’t spook the unicorn.

That hasn’t happened though, I’m still in the middle of a pleasant dining experience. However, if a freelance vivisectionist plonked down in front of me and practised her craft right there on the table, I might get a bit perturbed. I mean, there are only 4 customers here. Surely she could find her own table? If she were to use her tactile skills to shell my prawns I might let it slide though. I’m in a good mood.

If it turned out the rice I ate was actually laced with arsenic and maggots, well. I guess I’d probably be a little pissed. Then again, I just discovered that maggots are pretty high in protein and have become a potential staple of quality animal feed. So at least I’d be consoled by the fact that my nutritional needs were being met before I dropped dead. Plus, having just finished the meal, everything tasted great. I would’ve gone out doing something I loved.

Who could really complain about that?

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