Hannibal would be a pretty fun addition to the Stamos, Saget and Coulier crew.

Today seems quite unremarkable. Because of the new literary term I learned today, “pathetic fallacy“, I can now personify nature. As such, I can proclaim that the weather today is a dick (or is that a pathetic phallusy?). I guess I could’ve done that anyway, but not with such scholarly authority. We were promised spring, but instead we just got sprung. All without a girl walking in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in our face. Unless that’s how we personify the wind and rain, which have certainly been in our face. Has this fallacy gotten pathetic enough yet? I’ve got a world all around me and I’m talking about the weather? Isn’t anything of note happening?

Well I just heard the news today. It seems my life is gonna change. I close my eyes, begin to pray. Then I can’t keep up these Creed shenanigans any longer. They may be bringing back the Full House franchise, with the absurd name of Fuller House. Unless it’s being written and produced by Bryan Fuller (and yes I’d watch that avidly, zero hesitation), this seems like an unnecessary and cynical ploy to capitalise on recent renewals of beloved shows. While I no doubt would love to see the adult exploits of DJ, Stephanie and Kimmy Gibbler, I actually wouldn’t. Full House was a terrible show. It qualified as watchable because a) it was on and b) we were dumb kids who didn’t know any better. The entire concept is so far past dated that it’s prehistoric. I don’t love Modern Family, but it’s infinitely more clever and less schmaltzy than Full House in any incarnation. The world doesn’t need more Full House and as soon as anyone sits down in front of a new episode, I’m sure they’ll understand that they sure as hell don’t want it either. Unless it actually has Bryan Fuller as showrunner and Hannibal makes a cameo as the family chef. Because there’s no good reason to have the characters of Nicky and Alex to feature in any other fashion than on a plate.

In better news, The Human Centipede is becoming a trilogy. Yes. The trailer has been released and I couldn’t be more jazzed. For people who are entirely in opposition to the concept, execution and mere existence of the project, I get it. It’s gross, gory and incomprehensibly cruel. It’s also fucking hilarious. As a friend reminded me, there’s a stellar comedic musical on Youtube (with many brilliantly tongue in cheek lines, one that’s explicitly tongue in cheek). The musical actually gets the “plot” pretty on-point. The whole franchise is an exercise in depravity and gratuitous torture that goes beyond being offensive into being utterly laughable. Also the fact that the third one *spoilers* is going to feature a 500 person centipede that looks reminiscent of a very successful game of Snake. Well, I’m a little excited. I actually haven’t seen the 2nd film, because at the last double-feature my friends hosted, my mate was having mild sun-stroke and had to be driven home after the first film. She happened to vomit up her footlong sub in my car as we drove over the Harbour Bridge on our way home. I couldn’t tell if it was the sickness or the film, but all I know is that if I were to join her as part of a 3 person centipede, I certainly wouldn’t want her in the back two thirds of the train.

On announcing this news and my subsequent joy, my workmates pondered why people care about such stupid things when there were real problems in this world. I reminded them of their constant conversations about the Kardashians as if the TV family were actual people in their lives. We all agreed that, yes, people don’t care about things that matter. It’s almost like we’re a complex milieu of disparate cultural and personal values, with differing tastes, needs and desires. So often though, people don’t seem to care about all of that fun stuff and can’t see past the things that matter to them.

Maybe this is why people are always talking about the weather.


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