Happy Cake and Cunnilingus Day!
In breaking news, I just discovered that I didn’t concoct this holiday all on my own. Because of that wonderful phenomenon known as parallel evolution (that brought us two Dennis the Menace comics for our reading pleasure), it’s existed on this day since 2006. I’d never heard of it, but a quick Google search (that I thought I’d done already) showed that I wasn’t the first to lead the charge on some sweet eating out. Nonetheless, I’m glad for it to be something I can stack my chips (chocolate, of course) behind.
So in honour of this wonderful holiday that puts two of my favourite things on a pedestal, I’ve decided to delve back into my first memories of both cake and cunnilingus.
The first cake I can remember was at my 3rd (I think) birthday. Held at the former Takapuna (Shore City) McDonalds, we had a Batman themed party with an adroitly themed cake. A rectangular loaf of sponge, topped with yellow icing and bordered by sweet cream. In the middle was emblazoned a large black Batman symbol. Neat, huh? If that wasn’t sweet enough, to the mind of a 3 year old, the next part was mind blowing (have I been reading too much clickbait?). Topping the cake in opposite corners was not one, but two Batman toys. The first was a little rubberised figure of the man of bat himself. It wasn’t moveable or poseable, and I think I may have chewed off the cape almost instantly. I loved it as soon as I saw it. The second was a Hot Wheels style batmobile. Long and sleek, but black and metallic, it featured pretty heavily in most of my action figure adventures until I discovered Transformers. It’s funny how such little trinkets could mean so much at that age, where wonderment seemed to explode from every new stimulus. Added to these figures, the sweet symbol of celebration that the cake stood for is one that’s stuck with me.
Speaking of new stimulus, the first time I went down on a girl? That was something. I can safely and confidently say I had no confidence or idea of what I was doing. This was later in the game than you’d think. Age 21 or 22 (have I really only been doing this for 7 years?) if I’m remembering correctly. I was in the middle of a 2 year dry spell that definitely took its toll. After getting closer to a friend of a friend at a party, we ended up retiring back into her bed (sorry friend) and getting more intimately acquainted. Having had zero experience after my past dismal sexual relationship, I was equally excited and terrified. We had sloppy makeouts (this was before a kind angel taught me how to kiss) which progressed to a bit of heavier touching. To be honest, I was kind of weird about the idea of receiving head, so I took the initiative and gave instead. She was a pretty girl, but we had the lights out and the slivers of moonbeams did little to illuminate my path. For the most part, I’m assuming her lips were as cute down there as they were on her face, but I can’t bring to mind a full picture.
I remember a lot of saliva. A lot. I can only imagine that, like my attempts at kissing at the time, it was a matter of too fast, too firm. I think as I loosened up and found my pace a little more, she got into it a bit too. Bumbling describes it best, constantly asking if she was ok, if she was enjoying herself, but as I relaxed, the replies got breathier and less audible. After some point I think my tongue got sore and we slowed things down. I noted the taste (something I’d never tasted before. Not bad, but not as sweet as I’d imagined in my fantasy filled brain) and the hairs in my mouth, but still felt pretty excited at being able to please a girl in some way. Despite whatever pleasure I got from her returning the favour, those gasps stuck with me. Feeling her body react, hips bucking and quickening breaths opened up a hunger in me I’ve still yet to quench.
That, I guess, is why I’ve launched into Cake and Cunnilingus Day with such fervour. It brings back the wonder I felt through celebration and the hunger I’ve felt since that night.
April 14th. Cake and Cunnilingus Day. Spread the word, spread the joy and if you spread your legs, I hope there’s someone who makes it worth it.