A missed opportunity to talk exclusively about blooming onions. I’m not crying.

“Hey [insert coworker’s name here], top of your head, random topic”


On Earth Day too? That’s some harmonic convergence.

Right. Flowers. Not to be confused with flours (yes flour(s). Off the top of my head different flowers I can think of extend to coconut flour and rice flour. I’m not well versed in baking, despite my predilection for crafting vulva cupcakes out of from the box mix. But I’m getting off topic here (for a change? -Ed)). I don’t actually have a favourite flower. I guess as a Magic the Gathering nerd fo lyfe I’d have to opt for a Black Lotus. Aside from those rare and valuable artifact flowers that give you 3 mana of any colour, I’m right out.

I get it though. Having your environment flush with colour can really help lift a mood. Having a permanently stuffed nose, scents don’t do much for me, but I’d be hard pressed to be dour staring at a rainbow bouquet. I don’t really know much about buying flowers either. I’ve done it a few times, but rarely with authority. I kind of look at the array of colours around the florist, tightly grab them by the hand and say “please, help me. Make it pretty. You’re my only hope.” The last time this happened was en route to watch my girlfriend perform. I’d never seen a loved one perform publicly. It was kind of a big deal for me to be trusted with being welcomed into that part of her life and I hoped it was a big deal for her.

I went into a small florist in Kensington Market. Nobody was around. Suddenly the Asian body double of the Village People’s construction dude appeared. He asked me what I wanted and I basically told him that I was expecting to spend x amount and just wanted something pretty. In a blur he grabbed a bunch of different flowers, some little bud things and, at my request, a few orange and blue roses. Pulling out the shears he tidied them up, before grabbing a big roll of colourful paper and tying a few lots of ribbon. I gave him my money and he went back to sitting out front, eating his leftovers from a styrofoam container. Multiclassing, eh? Must be a tough economy.

I feel like romantic comedies give an overinflated image of what flowers should be. I like giving flowers, but not as a catch-all. I love celebrating stuff, but I love giving people something they can use, something that actively enriches their lives. It took me many years to realise that my mother really did love having flowers around, that going out and grabbing a bouquet with her favourite flowers accomplished just what I’d been wanting. When a person has the means and gumption to just go out and get something if they need it, a kind gesture can mean so much more.

That being said, I don’t like using flowers in place of an apology. Maybe it’s internalised values, but using flowers as a stand-in for important words that need to be said seems problematic. If your sentiment is what needs to be given, then why try sweetening it up and thereby cheapening them with a physical gift. Giving something pretty doesn’t mitigate any indiscretions. It seems strange to conflate those two things. *Shrug*.

I don’t like to give them all the time. So often if I do buy flowers, it’s out of the blue. Wanting to do something nice for the sake of it. Gifts don’t have to conform to specific times or days, right? As I said, I like celebrating almost anything I can, but just because I was thinking of you gifts hold the kind of sentiment I’m fond of expressing. Flowers fit this, but I’d hate for them to become an expected gift. Because what fun is it to be in a relationship if you can’t keep your partner on their toes?

Heh, the word “daffodildo” just popped into my head.


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