If anyone had walked in I would’ve literally been caught with my pants down.

A fair warning, I might be all over the place today. I woke up early today so my rhythm is a bit off. I might ramble a little bit for a change. With that said…

You know, there are some times that capitalism just works for me. It’s very far from a perfect system, but when you want something and don’t have the skills, time or inclination to make it happen yourself, it’s a blast to be able to offload that onto someone else. I’m not making this into a political thing, because it’s not where my head’s at right now.

I’ve got a date night with my girlfriend tonight and I was thinking you know what? Cooking a roast and playing house is all well and good, but what if we had some other way to play alongside that? I then thought of fun activities we could do. Maybe make cootie catchers, do some kind of madlibs thing, play some bananagrams. Then I realised something I hadn’t used in ages: Play Doh. We already had the pork to mitigate cravings, so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat any of it. It was perfect. I know it’s possible to make Play Doh in the kitchen, but I’m fundamentally lazy or protective of my time. Why do in some larger amount of time than 5 minutes what I could accomplish in 5 minutes? Walk across the road to the Dollarama, pick a 4 pack of Play Doh, cave and grab some clay dinosaur moulds, pay $5 and walk back to the office. Convenient and easy. Date night is saved. I’m not a skilled artisan. I don’t have the wherewithal to construct plastic moulds and effectively make expert Play Doh with precision and speed. However many minutes I had to work in order to earn that $5 was well worth it. Now my kitchen can be filled with miniature dinosaurs. They even included an ankylosaurus mould. It doesn’t get better than that.

Then I decided that, seeing that I have no concrete Friday night plans, I should do trapeze tomorrow. So I internetted and found somewhere to make it happen. So provided that someone gets back to me, I could be flying, flipping and tricking the friendly skies tomorrow evening. Thanks capitalism. It kind of sucks giving the majority of my waking hours to the eponymous “Man”, but given that it’s something I don’t mind doing much and it enables me to engage in a host of experiences I otherwise wouldn’t have access to, I’m ok signing on at the moment. Oh humans, we’re so easy to pacify. Just give us a few trinkets to play with and we’re all yours. For an intelligent species, we can be pretty dumb at times.

So here’s a weird thing. I’ve engaged my benefits recently, which is great. Twice this week though, it’s meant I’ve been lying on a table with young women putting their hands around my “swimsuit areas”. I’m no prude, it’s odd, but non-concerning. Monday I went to the doctor to get a full physical check up (and some booster shots while I was at it. They were just giving them away). She took my height and weight, then told me to go into a room, strip down to my undies and lie down on the table, draping the paper towel over myself. I complied and waited for about 10 minutes while overhearing a couple in another room sing the Addams Family theme song to their infant. The doctor came in, she gave me my shot (with no lollipop. Scrooge) and started feeling around. She looked at some sunspots to check for anything cancerous (I’m fine guys) and listened to my heart/lungs. I’d asked for the total package, including STI tests, so she quietly asked me to remove my boxers so she could check. It was entirely non-sexual, but it still feels weird having a stranger checking your genitals. It probably would’ve felt less peculiar if she was much older or male, but I felt odd for making a gal my age have to touch some guy’s bits.

Then at physio the physiotherapist (dumb sentence) was working around my upper IT band and surrounding areas. For some reason I hadn’t really expected her to go the places she did. She pulled down my waistband and started digging her thumb into that area around my hip bone, which felt bizarrely ticklish and painful. Then she basically just pulled my pants down past my cheeks (I was covered in the front) and gave all that constricted gluteal fascia and musculature hell. Once again, it was in no way sexual (possibly one of the most painful things I’ve experienced in some time. She apologised for not having a “bit” for me to chomp on), but just kind of a surreal thing to happen so close to my workday. I’ve got a dental check up tomorrow. If my dentist asks me to take off my pants, I might begin to suspect something is up.


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