I can swing an axe, but that won’t make me a hat.

I have exactly 30 minutes to write, so I’m gonna do that. I don’t know where this is going, but isn’t that the point of the group? We’re going on an adventure, guys! Isn’t that exciting?

Adventuring isn’t something I’ve done a lot of. I mean, in the abstract anything can be an adventure if you’ve got the right mindset. Every time I go to the supermarket, I feel like I’m wandering a strange space scavenging for vittles. I go to the supermarket a lot. In a previous life I probably would’ve hunted beasts for sustenance. This is the closest I come these days. My beasts just happen to be dissected and vacuum sealed. Also somehow I hunt tuna in a dry space. Isn’t capitalism grand?

I think it’d be fun to go on a wilderness adventure. A Facebook friend suggested it and I’ve grabbed the concept with both hands. Also my feet, ’cause my toes are vaguely dexterous. I was always a fat kid, yadda yadda woe is me. I’m not gonna wank on about that right now, but it meant that I got sweaty and tired a bunch. It meant I generally hated being outside doing wilderness type things, because most everything required a physicality beyond lying down playing with action figures. Those limitations have widened a bit, meaning I now possess the capacity to do these things and I’d quite like to. Tramping is heaps fun, I just like walking, hiking and climbing around. Clambering up a hillside now feels like a leisure activity, because panting and sweating without intention has become the exception rather than the rule. I’m choosing to do this stuff, which gives me a sense of agency.

What I don’t have are skills in these matters. I can kayak alright, I’m a strong swimmer, I could probably navigate a sailboat without too much difficulty. I can chop wood like a demon (who was skilled at chopping wood. Not just any run of the mill demon), but I have no significant ability to make things from components that aren’t lego. I’d love to make a bivouac, or cook things over a campfire created from foraged materials (though honestly, I don’t have much of an issue using matches). I have yet to jump into a deep body of water from a high point that isn’t man made. People have tried to teach me to fish and I’m not entirely incompetent. I don’t know if I’d feed myself for a lifetime, but I might not die. I’m obviously not morally conflicted about eating meat, but I have yet to eat something I’ve hunted. Something about that notion strikes me as profound, as if respecting the life of this entity you’ve killed by consuming the remnants of its life force. Maybe I could make myself a squirrel hat or something.

Thing is, some of the finer challenges would elude me. If I were an RPG character I’d have many more spots in STR and CON than DEX. I can lift, climb and endure things, but finesse isn’t one of my strong points. I guess this is why D&D characters form parties. To cover my shortcomings, it’d be great to find fellow adventurers with whom to face these challenges. So what I guess I’m saying is, any rangers wanna go survive?


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