Goal 1: Find a plate of ribs the size of my head.

24 hours left. I feel so Kiefer Sutherland right now. In a day’s time I will have been launched into the sky inside a large metal box. I’ll move at a velocity so rapid that I’ll be propelled past clouds and birds, over the physical boundaries that define nations. Tomorrow around this time I will have landed in the metropolitan city where dreams are realised, provided those dreams involve tramping through an urban centre where everything’s available for a price. Will I somehow end my trip without procuring a shrunken head? Only time (and the vigilance of local law enforcement) will tell.

Seeing as I’ve polished off all my work in advance, all I have to think about now is the itinerary. I should grab myself an Indiana Jones hat and an S&M oriented whip, because I intend to do some exploring. The whip may or may not be for other things… I don’t know how much use it’ll be in Williamsburg and Greenwich Village, where I intend to make my stomping grounds. I’ve gotta spend some time in the Lower East Side, if only to redeem myself for my hysterical New Years Eve breakdown in that When Harry Met Sally diner. Note to self: Hold off on the Four Loko this time, buddy. I’d love to catch at least one big name stand up comic while I’m there, but I’m not finding anyone through my errant googling.

The goal as far as I can tell is to see, eat and drink as much as humanly possible on the span of 5 days. I’d say that I stretch the bounds of what is humanly possible, but frankly we’re going to ‘Murica. I’ve seen the portion sizes there, chances are I’ll only manage 2 meals a day. Challenge accepted. I recall last time that booze was irresponsibly cheap, so if I’m not arrested for public indecency I clearly haven’t tried hard enough. The secret seemed to be finding those happy hour locales that really didn’t care for the state of your inner organs. There’s an app for that. Finding happy hours, that is, not necessarily an app for damaging inner organs (though a secret black market organ sale app probably exists somewhere on the Google Play store) Failing that, I discovered on Reddit that excess stock liquor stores exist, so if our restriction really is a lack of funds, we’ve got a lot to be creative with.

We’re bringing the laptop, so my daily writing record will continue untarnished. There’s rest for the wicked, but none for the written. Plus, what better chance do I have to journal my experiences in a foreign land? I’m shit at taking pictures, preferring to opt instead for the mental ones. My girlfriend can take care of that part, with our #Coney2015 hashtag all sorted. What are we if not a couple of childish infantry taking the city by storm? Knowing New York, there’s too much insanity for me to not jot down a few daily moments of insanity in any case.

Packing is still on the agenda, given that I haven’t even taken that load of clothing out of the dryer yet. With 5 days travel, we can share a suitcase. Tempting as it is to just bring carry-on, the allure of buying at the very least one thing while in Manhattan (shrunken heads may be small, but they still take up room) means we’ll need to spring for the extra space. Also in the event that the aforementioned cheap liquor results in needing a body bag, that’s one thing pre-emptively crossed off the list. If I end up buying too much stuff I can just dispose of my used underwear and socks. I won’t need those again, right? Currently though, I need my knickers, because I’m practically shitting myself with excitement. There’s so much to do and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve had a stretch of almost a week with no commitments outside of catching flights. If the city is our oyster, then its aphrodisiac qualities are working. Rock and/or roll motherfucker!


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