Why didn’t they just settle on the title Band of Bros?

I still haven’t decided on the Entourage movie. I mean, I’ve decided some things, but I’m less gun-ho on rallying behind others. I don’t know how to feel, so I’m feeling an abundance of things at once. It’s like I’m being pulled into so many directions the very fibres of my being are stretching and warping until I don’t even know any more. Here are some things I know about the Entourage movie:

  • It’s gonna be an unmitigated clusterfuck.
  • The word clusterfuck is actually one of my favourites, especially when said by J.K. Simmons, which might make it too good for this movie.
  • Any issues Vince and the boys face are gonna be unrelatable, unrealistic and unexciting.
  • They’re gonna find some way to weave in that fucking Jane’s Addiction song, ruined by association.
  • E will be presented to the audience as a nice guy, when in fact he’s a “nice guy” in every sense of the word (man, Urban Dictionary is saving my bacon these days).
  • Turtle will still try in vain to justify his existence as a character, when he’s as fundamentally douchey and unlikeable as the rest of them.
  • Vince will remain a far more successful actor in the world of Entourage than Adrian Grenier ever will in reality.
  • It’s gonna make a mint from fratboys past, present and future.
  • It will be the male equivalent of Sex and the City 2.
  • Watching this movie would result in me attempting to thrust my fist through my frontal lobe, being the more pleasant option than actually finishing the movie.

What I don’t know about this movie is if I’ll actually watch it. You’d think this’d be a no brainer, but there are so many things pulling me towards it that I’m starting to actually doubt my own quality of character.

  • A large part of me feels like I actually deserve to burn my money and see it in a cinema as a form of penance. 1) For watching the whole series and 2) for actually enjoying it.
  • I love watching terrible movies and also having things to complain about.
  • Deep down I believe that if I become angry enough, I might actually turn into The Hulk.
  • I want to know how low humanity can sink in order to feel better about what we’ve actually achieved.
  • I crave knowing the events of the first movie so I can understand the plot of the inevitable meta sequel, invariably based around Vince and the gang’s struggles to counteract the fact that everyone but me actually just illegally torrented the movie.
  • Given that I’m a different person than I was at 22, I want to see how they try to justify The Boys’ behaviour as anything but misogynist, entitled and loathsome.
  • I dunno, I wasn’t held enough as a child? Look, I’m clearly fundamentally damaged if I’m actually considering paying even $5 to sit in a room flanked by the kinds of people I spend my days actively trying to avoid for fear of contracting a viral strain of The Common Bro so severe I’d start wearing a cap backwards, finding “meaning” in Mumford and Sons, drinking Smirnoff Ice and beer combos while wondering why every woman doesn’t realise how much she wants my D, because clearly she’s asking for it dressed like that. Geez even thinking about this film is contagious.
  • A small part of me is afraid I’d actually enjoy it, and I’ll be damned if I intend to be ruled by my fears.

Despite everything above, there’s no fucking way I’m actually gonna pay money to see this movie. I’m terrible at going to movies, it somehow just doesn’t happen. I actually really want to see Mad Max: Fury Road. I’ve had the time, it just hasn’t transpired. I’ve been trying to watch Whiplash since it came out, but just haven’t gotten around to it. Things I actually admire, I often don’t even watch. Why the fuck would I support in any way a pathetic, desperate vanity project like this in any way? Even talking about it here has given it more respect than it deserves.


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