Today was a weird day, I woke up with a compulsion to write a stream of dumb jokes. In an attempt to follow my heart, I present to you the results:
Why did the tailor have so many children?
He couldn’t stop sowing.
Why did the tornado have to stop for a second?
It got winded.
Why are cows so loveable?
Because they’re cud-dly.
Why don’t frat boys like gardening?
Because bros before hoes.
Which dinosaur makes for the best sexual partner?
Why do scavengers make such lousy dates?
Because they’ve always got a bone to pick with you.
Why did the vulture get detained at the airport?
He forgot to declare his carrion.
How did Michael Jackson manage to make a steak so tender every time?
He’d just beat it.
Why are penises so good at playing classical music from sheet music?
They’re reproductive organs.
Why was the chronic masturbator so proud of himself?
He was Onan it.
Why is the US military occupation of Iraq like a horny dude?
Neither of them likes pulling out.
Why was the drill no good at parties?
He was a bit of a bore.
Why is Ron Jeremy only filmed in wide shots?
He needs a lot of headroom.
Why do chimeras make such good stand up comics?
They’ve got a wide variety of bits.
Why are MSG addicts so dangerous?
They’re adept at wanton destruction.
Why aren’t the Bomfunk MC’s good at measuring circumference?
They go straight for the top of the dome.
Why couldn’t the goat afford bigger horns?
They were too deer.
Why did Lisa Left Eye Lopes miss out on the estates from TLC?
She didn’t own the rights.
Why the Beach Boys have such content sexual partners?
They had good vibrations.
Why did the crow have such great abs?
It had a strong caw.
Which beer is best at photosynthesis?
What’s the most powerful tea of all?
Why did the leprechaun get a little angry?
Because he was ire-ish.
Why do wolves love animated gifs so much?
Because they’re forever lupine.
Why couldn’t the battery make up its mind?
It was too mercurial.
Why couldn’t the coffee go hang out at the malt shoppe?
It was grounded.
Which monster wins all the dance contests?
The boogie man.
What is Eiffel 65’s most knowledgeable art subject?
Picasso’s blue period.
Who is the most vain Final Fantasy 8 character?
Why was Shakespeare such a good survivalist?
He knew all about slings and arrows.
Which appliance is the best at gymnastics?
The tumble dryer.
When is white ware least en vogue?
After Labour Day.
Why did the male porn star refuse to do watersports?
He was a grower, not a shower.
Why did Beyonce have trouble forming a coven?
She was all about the single ladies.
Why did the celiac sufferer give away gluten free treats?
They didn’t want any dough.
Why did Julius Caesar always learn a lot from his experiments?
His results were empirical.
Why didn’t the Spice Girls add another member?
They ran out of thyme.
Why did the couple re-enact the story of Sisyphus is the bedroom?
They were into roll play.
Why are all other chocolate bars so wary of mars?
Because Mars means war.
Why didn’t the baker give his celiac friend a baguette?
He didn’t want to cause him pain.
What is the greenest sea creature?
The jelly fish.
Why is gold never lonely?
Because it’s guilded.
Why does cantaloupe sleep so well?
Because there’s nothing but melon-in it.
Why hadn’t the animorph changed into a bird yet?
He was waiting for his tern.
Why does helium change a match?
It makes it a lighter.
Why did the environmental scientist refuse to date a ghost?
He only did carbon dating.