You know, I liked the Pearl Jam avocado album.

My girlfriend and I are going to an unusual hang out tonight. We’re going to spend time with our couple-friends, which is excellent as always. Unlike most occasions where the point of being together is just that we are together, this time we’ve actually got further reason. Our friends asked us for a cunnilingus lesson.

Usual disclaimer, if this isn’t your thing, here be dragons and such. If it is, well I’m just trying to work out in my head what a lesson plan for that would be.

Where do I start with something like this? I guess the whole mentality of going down on a lady starts before skin touches skin. I heard Nina Hartley say once that nobody gives a woman an orgasm. That’s an outmoded concept riding on the notion that sex is something given or traded. You don’t give sex to someone, you share the experience with them. You’re both working together for the common goal, which is making each other experience as much pleasure as you can. When you’re going down on a female bodied person it’s not like you’re making something or presenting something, you’re facilitating. You’re bringing out the potential for something, guiding her to a place where she can access that feeling inside of her. You want to create an experience for her that makes her want to open up and be intimate, to cast off the oppressive shackles society places on women and their sexuality. To eliminate the notion of guilt for enjoying herself. It’s all types of awful, but it’s inescapable that the patriarchal society we live in polices womens’ bodies and sexuality, casting them as a commodity. It’s a regressive thought pattern and one that can eke through to the bedroom. Get rid of that shit.

Think about this: You’re not a vibrator. You’re not a toy or tool sculpted for a particular purpose. You’re a living, breathing, feeling individual with tangible physical and emotional warmth. A vibrator is great, but if she just wanted that quick release she’d probably grab one. You’re there because she wants a shared experience, to find connection. A vibrator can’t think for itself, can’t roll with changing emotional states. A vibrator can’t talk, respond, react. It can’t smile, laugh or moan.

It’s hard as a male bodied person (no pun intended. Actually. Why do I get the sense that my track record means you don’t believe me?) to put yourself into an antithetical mindframe to what you’re taught. Massive generalisation here, but so often as a guy the idea is to just head (pun also not intended) towards pleasure. It’s the objective, why not just go for it? Maybe it’s just more social programming, telling us that our role is to fuck and get pleasure, that it reaffirms our status as a man. If that’s you, then you do you. Each to their own. It’s not my approach. You know what I love when a lady is going down on me? Enthusiasm. I love to know that she’s there because she wants to be, I love knowing I’m desired and that everything that’s happening has nothing to do with an agenda beyond wanting me to be happy because I mean something to her. I figure that if a sexual act can make me feel better about myself, that’s a feeling I’d love to transfer.

Desire, I think that’s the important word to draw from this. Make her feel like you want to be there. Hunger. You’re being given the privilege to facilitate her pleasure. Why wouldn’t you be salivating at the prospect? She’s letting you have access to her in all her intimate vulnerability. Why would you want anything other than to do as much as you can to thank her for that? To encourage a closer connection? Hence why I say it starts before skin touches skin. You’ve gotta want it and to let her know it’s ok for her to want it too.

Foreplay is important, right? This is like mental foreplay. Beforeforeplay. You’re crafting a space where she can open up and let loose. It’s rare for that just to happen. You’re not trying to catch lightning in a bottle, you’re looking to stoke a fire. This isn’t a means to an end, this is something you can experience with someone. If you happen to be able to bring someone to finding their orgasm (and Christ, the orgasm isn’t the goal. The goal is knowing that you’ve made someone happy. An orgasm is wonderful, but it’s far from everything), isn’t there a gift in knowing you contributed to something amazing?

Woah. I haven’t even gotten to touch yet and that’s already our time up. Maybe I’ll revisit this at another point. In the mean time here are some resources:

Nina Hartley’s Pussy Eating Guide. I love Nina Hartley. Old school porn actress turned sex educator. She’s the best. Listen to her. Also remember that every vagina/vagina owning person is different. There’s no one size fits all explanation as to how to do something.

She Comes First. A great beginner’s guide with a few things in there for more experienced people too.

Have fun, friends.

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