Somehow I’ve found myself at a point of mild anxiety and stress. If only there was some convenient portmanteau to encompass them both if they occur beyond your teenage years. Can adults have angst? Or is it something you outgrow? Not being German, I don’t have a neat compound word to describe the awareness that one’s stress is a figment of entirely fixable issues, the awareness of which doesn’t mitigate the mental malaise. Fatigue might cover it though. Here’s the sitch: I haven’t slept enough since I came back from New York about 2 weeks ago. I’ve been overcompensating with coffee, which further compounds my inability to rest come midnight. I want to be high functioning and thrive on the manic energy it gives me, but ironically my excess consumption is depriving me of the chance to come by it naturally. Also I just want to be doing everything at all times. When the clock strikes 12 I could rest, or I could engage my brain for another few hours.
The conundrum resounds: I’m not doing anything I want to do, but I don’t want to not do anything and rest.
So there’s that. I feel like I’m wasting my waking hours if I’m not firing on all cylinders. I want to make sure that I have things lined up to do lest I stop for a second. Then I get antsy when I don’t have the flexibility to accommodate people. It’s been over a month since I last saw My Favourite Ex. She couldn’t make it tonight, so now we have to reschedule for 2-3 weeks’ time. I had a great date on Monday, but conflicting schedules mean that it’s probably gonna be another few weeks until we get to spend time alone together again. I get to see my girlfriend again tonight, albeit after her work. Seeing as I need to catch up on sleep (aiming for 8pm here. That’s how necessary it’s getting), I’m gonna have to go to sleep and catch up with her tonight when she comes in to wake me. I’d skip it, but that would mean I might not get to see her until maybe Sunday evening. Schedules, maaaan. If everyone’s busy, how can anyone really accomplish anything?
The thing is, 90% of my busyness is not serious business. It’s social hang outs, events, games evenings. All my time is taken up by leisure activities and that is causing me stress. So what’s the best option? Cancel on people? But then I’m putting others out. Yes I’m sure they’d understand, but it still seems like a shit course of action to renege on promises made to others. Yes I know everyone else flakes out, but that doesn’t mean I want to do it too.
I do it to myself, right?
All of this has been exacerbated by the thing that should be reducing stress: Therapy. I opted in for a psychological assessment that would give an outline of me as a person. It would cost the same amount as a regular session (a whopping $170 for 50 minutes. Thanks benefits) but would most likely shave off three sessions worth of background info. The money thing is a weird intangible concept, because I get reimbursed $1500 per year by my benefits, which means I have about 9 sessions before it starts eating into my funds big time. They said the test would take between 45 minutes to 2 hours. I finished it in 20. Now I know there’s gonna be clean up and addressing of the issues it brings up which (because of the number of questions), will take up most of the next few sessions (at $170 each) to discuss. Have I saved time? or just created more hurdles by bringing up things that aren’t relevant to the issues that I’m facing. In fact, it’s more likely that the answers they received will just obfuscate things, because they were input into a computer checklist without context, often based just on the last two weeks. Two weeks that’ve been dominated by a lack of sleep that wasn’t hugely present before the New York trip. The worst part now is that while this assessment has riled me up, the next available date I can get to discuss it is the 25th of June. What’re the chances that I’m gonna remember my responses in 2 weeks? What’re the chances that after writing this up I’m gonna be able to slumber?
I might not be a monster, but this was a tire rant. Like tyrant? No? I’ll give it a rest then.