If they made a Jurassic Park themed restaurant would they call it Clever Grill?

I still haven’t seen Jurassic World and here I am busting a gut trying to get to a showing. I just want to see a standard 2D film on the big screen. When did this become so difficult? None of this 3D gimmicky shit. I don’t want a VIP screening. My only desire is to sit in a dark room and watch gargantuan lizards eating each other with surround sound. I don’t need bottle service. I’d rather not wear flimsy plastic glasses that make half the film blurry. It’s all ephemera that intrudes upon the experience. Movies let us forget our world and plunge into another one. Distractions don’t improve the viewing. The industry obviously thinks differently though.

Maybe 10 percent of the possible screenings today are in standard 2D without added extras. When you take the choice away from people I’m sure they’ll spring for the more expensive option. Are parents suddenly not gonna take their kids to the film because of the extra $3 per family member? Insidious little additions here and there, suddenly it costs $50 for a family of 4 to see a movie. Add in movie snacks and you’re up to $80 for a family day out. Damn it feels good to be childless right now. 3D seems like the boon that the industry needed to combat profit losses through piracy. I mean, alongside the $5 cokes that is. I’m on my way to what google says is a plain, vanilla screening right now. Somehow I don’t think it’ll work out like I want and instead I’ll find myself traipsing all over town to find the kind of showing I seek. Because I’m stubborn. Or I’m fixed on the idea and I’m willing to work to get it. Aren’t they the same thing in the end?

So after my fixation yesterday on seeing the movie, what happened? Well I caught up with a friend, It got late and became apparent that the better option was to refamiliarise myself with the original. Happy to say, still holds up. The graphics look a little dated, but still passable. Considering the film is 22 years old, that’s saying a shit ton. Jeff Goldblum is electric in this film. Frenetic cadence and oh so greasy machismo. He might just be one of my favourite mathematicians to grace the silver screen. He’s kind of a dud in the second half, but it’s alright, we have a chain smoking Samuel L. Jackson repeatedly telling us to hold on to hold on to our butts. The pun so nice they used it twice.

I’m sure the film is incredibly scientifically inaccurate, but it’s a hell of a fun ride. Those scenes you remember? The T-Rex in the rain and the raptors in the kitchen. Still pants shittingly exciting scenes, which is probably why Sam Jackson keeps warning us (or he’s just prepping us with homelessness survival tips, in case the 3D/VIP situation leaves us in financial ruin). The way that the T-Rex plays with the upturned vehicle, creating a nigh inescapable scenario for our protagonists? Feeling the terror of those children, trapped in a noisy, metallic kitchen prison? It’s a nice play on captivity within a zoo environment. Each of the central characters gets a chance to be a hero and prove themselves. I think I was fairly uncritical in my repeated viewing, but when dealing with one of your favourite childhood entertainment properties, is it really possible to be entirely unbiased?

No idea. Jurassic World is just about to start though, so let’s see how it holds up.

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