Oh yeah? Oh yeah! Oh… yeah…

My mum always told me that a good movie is one you think about the day after. Then why for the love of fuckery can’t I stop thinking about Entourage?

It’s not just that it was a terrible, vapid, waste of film, but the lack of gravity in the script meant it belonged less in the cinema and far more in the Theatre of the Absurd.

Let’s look at the central conceit of the film, that Vince is directing and starring in a movie. A movie about a superhero DJ called Hyde, as a riff on Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic piece of literature. From what we’re shown of the film, DJ person is playing a gig that the crowd are just lapping up. He takes some kind of drug from a wristband and kicks the whole party into OVERDRIVE (unfortunately not of the Bachman Turner variety). The cops show up, because cops hate EDM and kids having fun. DJ man then sprays out infinite droplets of this drug thing that perfectly land in the eagerly awaiting mouths of the concer-goers. The concert-goers are then incited to violence and start attacking the riot police.

Firstly, this is exactly what happens. I don’t think I’ve embellished anything. It’s dark and brooding, but with fancy bright superhero style special effects. Secondly, everyone in the magical fantasy land of Entourage are LOVING IT. They can’t stop blowing their load about how amazing it is. I think amazing might actually be the word they repeatedly use. It’s so amazing that it manages to land ol’ Johnny Drama a Golden Globe for best supporting actor. I repeat, a washed up z-lister manages to get a Golden Globe for playing the mutant brother of a superhero DJ. Then again, following The Tourist‘s nomination, who knows anymore? It’s ok though, because Entourage is a wish-fulfilment douchebag male fantasy film, so these kind of indiscretions are fine.

You know what else is fine? An entire lack of pathos, logos and ethos. Nothing matted, nothing. The filmmakers must’ve realised how little the audience sought in such a film, because even after they concocted flimsy, half-baked reasons to have these narcissistic douchebags on screen together again, they abandoned most of these plot lines half way through the film. I’d give spoiler warnings, but there’s nothing to be spoiled. It’s a rotten franchise that’s resurfaced way past its used-by date. Things that don’t get resolved:

  • There’s a plot line that’s given a decent amount of screen time involving Lloyd, Ari’s gay assistant, wanting Ari to give him away at the wedding. Ari offers his house for the ceremony but won’t budge on walking him down the aisle. It seems a foregone conclusion that he’s gonna cave, but they just stone cold drop it and no resolution is seen. We don’t even get a post-nuptial shot of the happy couple.
    *** I just looked up the movie in wikipedia, apparently they tie this up in a mid-credits scene. I didn’t stay that long.***
  • Turtle’s whole plot revolves around courting MMA banterweight champion Ronda Rousey. He gets a date. That’s it. Pity, because she seems to be one of the few interesting characters in the film.
  • E and Sloan are “on the rocks” and haven’t been seeing one another for the past 6 months. Given that the film is set 8 months after the completion of the series, I guess they started having marital issues 2 months into the relationship? In either case, he’s been sleeping with another girl for the past few months anyway, so…
  • Do any women have compelling narratives in this film outside of being seen as arm candy? I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a dudebro movie, but still, that’s a significant proportion of the population.

Isn’t it kind of dodgy that Johnny Drama effectively date rapes E (by giving him a concoction of molly and viagra without E’s knowledge), but we as an audience is ok with it because dat gurl wuz haaaaawt? What was the point of setting up that intervention style cafe scene when its resolution got 10 seconds of on-screen chuckling and no lesson was learned? Did E ever pick up his car? Or just amass countless parking tickets? Did Pharrell even play at Vince’s party? Or did they just start playing his music? They panned the camera maybe a few metres from the stage and it didn’t look like anything was happening. Hasn’t it been long enough to stop making a punch-line out of the fact that Ari and Dana slept together? I swear they’re going for the rule of 18 here. Why did they need that extra $15 million? Couldn’t Turtle have fronted the money since he seems to be absurdly independently wealthy now? Why was half the cinema filled up with dudemeisters wearing caps, feet up on the seat in front of them? Was that guy in front of me enjoying the film? He seemed to laugh at every dumb punch-line, but also spent a significant portion of the movie texting some girl called Amy. What value was there for any of the girlfriends who got dragged along to the screening?

Honestly, I snuck into the film after watching Jurassic World and it was so bad that I’ve almost forgotten about Jurassic World. I almost wish I’d paid for it so I could demand my money back. Now all I’ve got to complain about is my lost dignity.

Was it really as abysmal as I’ve said?

OH YEAH!

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3 responses to “Oh yeah? Oh yeah! Oh… yeah…

    • OH YEAH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

      Uh, sorry. Got carried away there. Yeah, I watched the whole thing when I was 20 or so. I legitimately enjoyed it until about season 4,at which point it just shat itself. I continued watching the rest while actively loathing it, for no discernible reason I can fathom beyond “well I’ve already made it this far…”

      To be honest, I think I’ve just outgrown it. I’d hope most guys outside of their early 20s would have, but then again I own a custom made snorlax kigurumi and cry at least 5 times watching Wreck-It Ralph, so what do I know?

      • Ok. Was gonna say if you’ve never seen the show ur out of bounds.
        I agree. The show started out going downhill later on.
        When I first watched the show I didn’t care for it but Ari was the main reason I kept watching and it eventually grew on me.
        Dude…Disney’s fox and the hound…tears me up…that’s all I’m gonna say.
        Peace.

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