Like most days I’m scrambling to find something interesting to write about. Like most days I probably won’t. Hopefully it won’t devolve into another why am I doing all of this?…. thing. This place is self-indulgent enough without looking back at that well again for no good reason. The thought that’s brimming on the tips of my brain bits is that one of the reasons I rarely talk about concepts of social importance is because I’m in a poor place to comment. The world doesn’t need one more cis straight white guy mansplaining why the world is a certain way due to his privileged vantage point.
There goes any diatribe I’d have about the Taylor Swift/Nicki Minaj thing that people are getting worked up about. I think I’m too old and curmudgeonly to have an opinion. It’s so easy to sit under a bridge and grumble about how none of it matters. I’m certainly too old to have a valid opinion on the MTV VMAs, let alone explore the intricacies of a racially biased, sexist industry that wants their stars to represent a straightforward marketable image. Sure, I thought the Anaconda video was a neat send-up of the male gaze, but this isn’t made for me and there’s no point in having an opinion. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Why do I have so much trouble admitting that? My views are irrelevant to most any important social progression because I’m already sitting upon that perch. Why do I find it so hard to just sit back and listen? I know I’ve got a big mouth (seriously, my fist fits in there past the knuckles. I could fit SUCH a chode), but what’s the point in opening it if I’m not gonna say anything valuable? I need to learn to listen before I speak, clearly. Unless I have a GREAT pun waiting to leap from my lips. Exception made.
Will I learn though? It’s easy to write this kind of thing, but important change is pretty tough and enforcing control over bad habits takes a lot of self-discipline. How do I make sure that I hold fast in my dedication? If there is a time where I should be speaking up, how will I know that I’m contributing something of worth? I guess the thing to do would be to defer to someone actually suffering from social inequality and let their voice be heard. It’s hard to be the kind of person who wants to voice thoughts, but knowing that I’m likely not helping when doing so (geez, I hope that didn’t sound like I was calling for sympathy for the white dude. Oh to be a better writer and actually be able to get my tone across with words).
The friend circle I’ve found myself a part of here in Toronto is primarily composed of wonderful, considerate people. Conscious of gender/racial/socio-economical inequality to a degree that makes my heart grow three sizes. My news feeds are filled with articles on how to be better, ways of viewing complex social situations. It’s challenging to be constantly bombarded with material that makes me critique how I navigate the world. I’m still not great at it and every now and again I’ll meet something that’s perpendicular to a previously held idea.
I want to be better and I want to be able to embody the wealth of care and empathy that I see all around me, but it’s a hard process. Non-gender binary was a hard idea to get my brain around at first, but the more I’ve seen and heard, the less relevant these binary labels seem to me. I still slip up from time to time around transgendered or non-binary friends, but they’re nice enough to just remind me and hopefully it’s happened less frequently than it did.
Is there a point? Is there ever? I want to be better at accepting criticism and admitting that I’m wrong. I want to know when it’s time to take blame and step back, or when I’ve actually got something valid to say. I want to know how I can make my words ring with clarity, so that any audience hears what I intend. Before that though, I want to learn enough to say things of value, things that are worth saying.
Ugh, that was self-indulgent, wasn’t it. What did I expect when I made an open ended page with continual 24 hour deadlines?