David Thorne was right. The internet IS a playground.

So it’s looking like my mystery illness was strep throat all along. I’d never heard of it, but my super sexy nurse has been taking care of me all day and suggested it could be a thing. She took my temperature, up at 39.1°C. She felt my lymph nodes and noticed the left side was swollen up like a balloon. Next she fished out a little flashlight and we peered into my gaping maw in front of a mirror. Little white spotty things were clustered on that skin to the left of my uvula. Consulting various websites, we ruled out cancer and decided it was down to strep throat or tonsil stones. All the signs pointed to strep, so tomorrow it’s off to the doctors to get antibiotics and fix it right up. It’s weird having a painful lump at the back of my throat. That’s not half as weird as my lack of appetite though. You know something’s dire when I don’t want to eat. Thanks to my wonderful girlfriend though, I might come out of this one alive. Knowing me, I would’ve just spent today wallowing in bed, sweating, for all the good that would do. She’s a goddamn hero. Like Enrique Iglesias in that video with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

But enough about sickness. It’s not all that fun to talk about. I could talk about Enrique Iglesias more, but my knowledge is kind of restricted to the fact that he cut his hand on a drone at a gig a few months back. True story, remarkably (even with blood streaming down his back) he kept playing. I’d never really thought twice about Enrique, but that kind of dedication to the cause is admirable at least. It’s like when Pitbull, an artist who I have no room for in my brain, held that breath strip Walmart contest. Whichever Walmart got the most likes on Facebook, he’d fly there and perform. Of course the internet got a hold of it and of course they sent him to Kodiac, Alaska. Pitbull, questionable talent but game individual as he is, went there and performed. That takes balls, to be a straightforward commercial shill and stick to it. I love this quote from the energy strips CEO: “I’ve known Pitbull for a few years now, and he’s up for a party – whether it’s around the corner, or you have to get there by three planes and a boat in between, as I understand it takes to get to Kodiak.” I can respect that.

There have been some fun internet pranks over the years. Usually engineered by 4chan. They’re a wayward bunch of perverted script kiddies, but sometimes they know how to get right to my ulnar nerve. They once tried to rig a contest to send Bieber around the world. Whichever country had the most votes by the end of the contest period would be Justin’s destination. Naturally 4chan chose best Korea, North Korea. Unfortunately the country’s ban on Western music meant Bieber was unable to fulfil the request. Pity, he missed out on the experience reserved primarily for Dennis Rodman, to hang with the late KJI himself. Sounds like he would’ve won the prize there. Even better, he could’ve visited the happiest place in North Korea. Oh the laughs, smiles and encrusted, ill maintained rides.

There was also the time 4chan stacked a contest aiming to name a new apple flavour of Mountain Dew. Judging by the top submitted names, they did their duty well. Mountain Dew admitted the contest lost to the internet and shut it down, but we’ll always have the results. Despite the obvious immaturity of the names, I can’t help but smile at the internet once more getting one over on a corporate entity. It’s hard for me to have sympathy here, so all I can do is share my amusement with others.

Oh, and there was that time 4chan rigged Time’s person of the year


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