Is there a German compound word for craving success while fearing you’ll spontaneously explode?

I’m obsessed. Thoughts continually rolling around in my head. Four days. Four days? That’s it? But I’ve got so much left to do. Quick, how can I adequate prep everything I should’ve done four months ago in four days? Checklist: What do I need? How much cash do I need to drop? I’ll do it. I’ll shell out. Just let me get through this. I just want to finish. Is that too much to ask?

Tough Mudder is coming.

I can’t tell if it’s a huge fucking deal or I’ve made a monolith out of a molehill. One I’m gonna have to climb with my bare hands by the sounds of it. I’ve been training hard for months. I’ve put in effort and I just want to see that effort come to fruition without my body paying the price. No booze, restrictive diet, 3 sessions a week with a personal trainer. I’ve trimmed down, but did I drop enough fat and gain enough muscle to adequately haul myself across the course? Time will tell. 96 hours, to be more accurate. Four fucking days. I’ve only ever run 20km once. I destroyed my knee and I was significantly fitter then. How the hell am I gonna survive this?

I’ve bought in and paid up for gear. Understanding full well that everything I’ve recently purchased is gonna come out the other side mud-drenched and ruined, it’s a price I’ve had to pay in order to salve my fears. I’ve read countless articles of tips and tricks from Tough Mudder veterans and heeded their suggestions. Get good shoes that grip. Don’t run with cotton. It’ll soak up all the mud and water, slowing you down. It’ll stay wet and make you freeze. Right. I’ve gone over 2 years without a decent pair of running shoes. Hours of searching and $70 later I got a wide pair of trail runners. I mourn how snazzy they look and how snazzy they won’t look in four days. Our team theme is “bright and tight”, so I went out and found myself a bright pink shirt that wicks well. Does moisture wicking even exist? Or is it meaningless jargon they invented to sell clothing to gullible fitness fanatics? I guess fear has thrown me into that camp. I’m rounding out the ensemble with an old pair of purple spandex tights left over from my past German Sparkle Party outfit. Bright and tight, hopefully light.

I’m terrified I won’t work the shoes in enough over the next four days, so I’m wearing them constantly. Proper work attire has gone out the window in lieu of imprinting my foot grooves. Dear god of blisters, pass over me. Given that I totally piked on the jogging aspect of the course, I’m compensating now by running whenever I get the chance. I bought my shirt on a break from work then ran the 700m back. It’s ludicrous. I’ve got a knee brace coming on Thursday that’ll hopefully keep my joints from pressing the escape button. Is surviving this without further blowing out my knee a possibility? Please let it be so. The last time I charged forward in a bullheaded fashion I did irreparable damage. Will I have the peace of mind to call it quits if I need to? Or am I way too stubborn to take my out? I think we both know the answer to that.

I’m reading. Searching in vain for anything that tells me things will be okay. I’m nervous but pumped, I want to believe that my best is better than I think it is. I have no idea how to eat, what to eat. People say to carbo load, but with my current low carb intake I don’t want to stock up on stodge and have to shit halfway through the event. I mean, it’d all get lost in the mud, but self-defecation isn’t part of the goal. I don’t want to carry things on my person, will the water and snack stops along the way be enough?

I’m ready for the challenge but terrified that I’m not. I’ve scoped out the obstacles and frankly, it looks like huge amounts of fun (well, aside from the douchey electric shocks and tear gas stuff. How’s that a worthwhile test of your endurance?). I’ve always wanted to climb a wall with pegs, shimmy along monkey bars and swing to try and hit a target. That rings thing looks bananas. I’m hyped beyond belief and it’s only amplified by my internalised trepidation and self-doubt. Things will be fine, things will be fun. I hope. I’m on an awesome team who’re more into doing it together than proving anything to anyone. I’ve got nothing to fear but crashing and burning.

Four fucking days? For fuck’s sake. I want it to be simultaneously here and finished. Yo Schrödinger, got 20km box handy?

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