If I vomited on my boss mid-review, would he regard that as excitement, fear or a display of dominance? Vominance?

Because I clearly have no immune system, my body chose the day of my annual performance review to develop a cold. A sniffling, gooey, hacking, contagious mess hardly exemplifies a stalwart employee, so I did what any honest person would do in an office environment: I went to work and crammed every orifice full of pseudoephedrine. I floated my way through the day, a pleasant cloud person drifting about the floor. The performance review was a breeze, over in 5 minutes. I’m doing great work, my co-workers say I’m a team player, the people I interact with in other departments say I communicate well, respond quickly to queries and give support when required. Bravo to me. I went back to my desk and continued to float through my day, letting my brain drift as it would.

For some reason, it followed an entrepreneurial path. Here’s the deal, I’ve got no head for business. I don’t want to concern myself with all the nuances of a financially bound position. I’m not type-A enough to crave that organisational structure, to cross my every T and plus symbol. I don’t want to think about zoning laws, permits, etc. Any of the restrictions and considerations that come with starting your own business. That’s why I instead come up with ideas and give them away gratis. All I’d like is for someone to credit me. So as my thoughts drifted I began to think about the Korean barbecue I had the other night. I thought of it as a possible meal with my girlfriend (grillfriend) and our couple friends. Then I remembered that one of the couple members is vegetarian, so dragging her along to a place where the impetus is to soak in the fragrant fumes of things that once lived seems misguided at best and cruel in reality.

Logic followed that a vegetarian grill restaurant could make a fucking fortune. What better way is there to eat veges than on the barbecue? Put a hot plate in the middle of the table and have patrons grill their own meals. Capsicums get nicely charred on the surface and soft inside, like savoury marshmallows. Corn is super sweet and the flavour really pops when grilled. Mushrooms are like mini meatless burgers, courgettes retain their crispy exterior, but with a deliciously gooey centre. Asparagus, eggplant, onion, garlic, tomatoes and an assortment of excellent seasonal vegetables. Not only that, but tofu, grillable cheeses like halloumi, soy based meat substitutes if necessary. You could provide home made sauces and relishes, maybe carby side dishes like rice or noodles. Charge $18-20 for all you can eat and despite the sheer amount of halloumi some plant people can pack away, you’ll be the one who leaves filled to the brim. Your wallet that is. Anyone who wants to start this up, feel free. Just let me know and give me props somewhere visible.

Judge me not by my actions, please. I’m happy to come up with these concepts and let the other people do the grunt work. Probably a good thing I didn’t bring that idea up in my performance review. Then again, he might’ve tagged me for management potential.

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