This can be my Nobel peace prize application.

Since it’s a murky, overcast day, time to get my grumble on. Oddly enough I’m in a great mood, having the day entirely open to any plans I can muster, but that feels less thematic. Here’s some stuff that I’m turning up the heat and dropping the hammer on:

  • Being a picky person. This one’s self-directed. I’m picky and pedantic when it comes to what I like. This means I have to go the extra mile to get it. Whether I’ve got a certain price in mind or I’m just not happy with the vast majority of options, I’ll put in the work to be surrounded by products that enrich my life. Going the extra mile gets tougher when you don’t have a car, so often I’m left carrying an assortment of bags on public transport. I’ll have on a jacket or backpack and I’ll get overheated, producing that irritating sweat patch on my lower back. This morning I chose to gun it out to The Annex to fill up my stocks of chia seeds, nutritional yeast, fruit and veges (at the store which consistently has great prices) and have a mocha at Sam James Coffee. Also I needed oats, but the oats I really like are in the supermarket close to me, which involves taking a specific bus route and getting off a stop earlier. But I wanted beer too, so I had to go out of the way on a separate run to get exactly what I wanted. Actually, this blends into the next one…
  • Where the hell is my dark ale? Dark ale is hearty, fruity, strong and delectable on the tongue. It’s also apparently a super niche taste, because so few LCBOs stock the good stuff. I’ve been trying to track down La Fin du Monde since I begun drinking again, but it’s elusive. Today I figured out you can actually search inventory around Toronto LCBOs, which is neat if not for the fact that none of my local LCBOs stock it. So it was off to The Beer Store, a US owned franchise I’d prefer not to support (picky, much?). However, their Dufferin Mall location is actually well stocked with an abundance of variety. Enough of these IPAs and lagers, where’s my dark ale on tap? Do I need to go all the way to Belgium (actually, not a bad idea for my next holiday destination)?
  • Mailing lists. I hate it. Some generic impersonal message on an irrelevant marketing venture. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so intolerant that I’ll just refuse to sign up for deals and contests if it means getting an email or two. I don’t know what my line is, which companies I’ll support, etc. Basically though, if it shows up in my promotions tag on Gmail a swivet is incoming and I can’t delete it fast enough. Unsubscribe is quickly becoming one of my favourite English language words.
  • Pushy people selling something. I’m sure this is in no way exclusive to me, but Jesus fuck these people get on my nerves. If you’re giving me a piece of paper, I don’t want it. Flyer? Coupon? Business card? Fuck off, stop wasting paper that I’m immediately gonna throw away. If it’s that urgent just tell me what it is and I’ll look it up on the internet later. There’s a guy from BMO who tries to sell me a credit card or insurance or something else I don’t need every time I pop into the supermarket. He never remembers that he’s talked to me before. It’s gotten so bad that as soon as I see him, before he can open his mouth, I’ll look directly into his eyes and say “no”. I guess if we look at the above bullet point I must be averse to people pursuing me personally for marketing purposes. If I want something, I’ll buy it. Please don’t tell me to my face or inbox that I need your thing, stick with your mass marketing and I’ll decide if it’s a product I want in my life. I can do the work, but I want that to be my choice to make.
  • Minimum wage earners caring about the bottom line. You’re getting paid $11 an hour, that’s not enough money to care if I use the McDonalds toilets. You have bigger problems.
  • Facebook notifications that have nothing to do with me. Friends are attending an event “near me”? Good for them, I don’t need to know about it. A friend was tagged in a post? That’s nice, why should I care if it’s a post about how their parents (who I’ve never met) won some local yachting regatta? Why am I seeing wall posts from events I wasn’t invited to? Things my friends have liked? Stop trying to tailor content to me, I can seek stuff out on my own. Here’s what I want to see on Facebook: Things my friends have posted. Event invites my friends send to me. Things from pages I follow. Everything else I can find on my own or someone can tag me in it.
  • People sitting in aisle seats in public transport with their bag on the seat next to them. It’s a bag, not a person. There’s no way it’s precious enough of an inanimate object that it needs a seat. Stop fucking sitting on the aisle seat and leaving the window seat open. It’s obvious you’re doing it because you want to dissuade people from sitting next to you. Then if someone does try to sit down, they huff and puff and make a big deal about it, then just rotate their body so you have to walk past them. Inevitably you end up getting out before they do and have to walk around them to leave. Yesterday there was a relatively full bus and a woman across from me was doing this. She had mcnuggets in her lap, and her handbag in the window seat. There was another girl standing up, holding onto a pole. I stood up out of my seat and politely asked her if the seat next to her was taken. I had headphones in, I wasn’t asking for a response. She huffed and puffed and moved over eventually. I sat down, the girl standing up got my old seat and said thanks. Public transport. Act like it.

Do you feel better? I do. I’m also half convinced that I may be a terrible person, but that’s all part of the package. E noho ra, everyone.

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