It’s a guy smoking a pipe. In what world does that necessitate 4000+ videos?

I’ve seen a huge spike in readership over the past few days. It’s massive. Exponentially more views than I usually get, all coming from one US source. Okay, so I’m assuming it’s from one source, because I don’t think I’ve tapped into the zeitgeist enough with my ramblings on sportsing and old ladies falling down. Who are you, mysterious US denizen. What’s your story? How did you find this page (was it from Bing? Say it ain’t so)? What did you search to find it? Did you end up on that marshmallow porn entry like most others? What kind of fiasco befell you that you took to reading this site with such fervour? I mean, parsing the stats it looks like you’ve read 60-80 entries in the past few days. Despite the quantity of entries, they surely lack the depth for you to be that interested. We’re talking hours worth of reading. Think of all the things you could’ve done in the meantime:

  • Gone to the park, swung on the swings, practised cartwheels, done the monkey bars twice and have seen saws.
  • Strolled out to get a quality latte, the morning paper and a bagel, then hit the local grocer for some eggs, fresh fruit and veges. You could’ve then egged someone’s house on the way home.
  • Watched City of God. I know I’ve been meaning to.
  • Listened to the entire Yeezer mashup album at least 4 times.
  • Done your Thanksgiving shopping. Have you started thawing your turkey yet?
  • Recorded a podcast about all the things you could’ve done instead of reading 70-80 pages of I Have My Doubts, but instead you chose to record a podcast.
  • Separated a large bag of M&Ms or skittles into separate bowls for each colour.
  • Created a small figure of what you think I look like out of FIMO clay, then baked it in the oven so it’d last.
  • Tried to teach yourself how to skateboard in a straight line, resulting in no skill level ups, but many scrapes and bruises.
  • Made a large LEGO spaceship complete with gun turrets and a crew consisting of a pirate, ghost, cowboy, dragon and Batman.
  • Formed a small dent in the back catalogue of Adolfo Mateo videos. Try scrolling, they just keep going. Why so many? How do some have 800+ views? WHO IS YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC?
  • Lay curled in a ball trying to understand the madness that is Adolfo Mateo.
  • Picked flowers from neighbourhood gardens, made a pretty bouquet, cooked some French toast and surprised your significant other with breakfast in bed.
  • Taxidermy.
  • Gone for a run then relaxed with yoga.
  • Called your parents. Do you realise what they went through just to raise you?
  • Protested something.
  • Started and gave up on Finnegans Wake at least 10 times.
  • Drawn a picture of a squid with bananas for tentacles.
  • Vacuumed your house.
  • Done P90x and had a shower.
  • Written a thinkpiece about something.

But instead you read this. I hope your happy with your decision. I am, it gave me something to write about that wasn’t sports.


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