A real horroarshow.

I hope this isn’t foreshadowing for a life spent as a furry, but wearing a onesie to work is a recipe for an amazing day. Nobody expects to see a dude in a tiger onesie when they get onto an elevator. Nobody. I saw a ton of kids pointing and smiling on my ride into work and in general I’ve been bringing delight into people’s days. I expected it to be swampy with sweat by this point in the day, but so far things are A-OK. This morning’s Irish coffees for our departing team member threatened to spoil the broth, but the day’s been simmering along nicely.

Real talk for a minute here: Drinking more would already push me to visit the bathroom frequently, but adding coffee to the mix? I’ve been bouncy, but for different reasons than a supposed Tigger costume. It’s worth mentioning that there’s no booty flap, so every time I need to sit down on the bog, the costume goes with it. I’ve basically been naked a bunch of times at work. Irish coffee? Costumes? Nudity? When did my life become Spring Break? Three cheers for Halloween.

It’s making me look forward to tomorrow’s trick or treating a little more. My flatmate went all out on getting candy/chocolate/chips for the neighbourhood kids, so we’re gonna set up on our deck with a cauldron, cobwebs and decorations in order to make sure they all have a wicked night. So many years have resulted in a pretty dismal turn out, so I’ve got my hopes up that tomorrow will buck the trend and bring in some visitors. It was such an joyous part of my childhood – roaming the neighbourhood in search of treats – that I’d be gutted to not pay it back.

Thing is though, I’ve never been great at small talk with children. If there’s something that freaks me out a little, it’s not knowing what to say. Adults I can kind of bullshit my way around, you can talk about the weather or INSERT LOCAL SPORTS REFERENCE HERE but I don’t even know what kids care about these days. Are Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers and Pokémon still relevant? Geez I hope so. When a kid shows up at my doorstep asking for candy, what am I supposed to say? How do you respond to something like that. The tried and true “what are you supposed to be?” seems more trite than anything. What if they give me shit about not knowing the latest Pokémon they’re dressed as? I used to be so on top of these things. What if I tell them that their Batman costume is rad and they’re all “I’m Lego Batman you fuck!” “What are you supposed to be?” “I’m TIRED OF YOUR SHIT OLD MAN.” I used to be so with it. What happened?

The last thing to think about is what I’m gonna dress as tonight. The party I’m going to has costume competitions and what kind of Halloween fan would I be if I didn’t try to participate? The categories are dumbest “sexy” costume (think Sexy Mustard, Sexy Donald Trump, Sexy Fire Hydrant) or most creative mash up (Sailor Freddy Mercury, Don Juan Bon Jovi). I’m tempted to wear my costume for tomorrow, seeing as I put some effort into it, but it doesn’t fit into either category. That leaves me with the option of adhering my tiger onesie to theme. Leading options are:

Tony Hawk

Cher Khan

A Tigger Warning

For one hot minute I thought I’d be able to sweep both categories by donning some underwear on top of my onesie and going for Calvin Klein. Then I realised the tiger is called Hobbes. Fuck.

These kids are right, I used to be with it. That’s a scary thought.


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