Does it contain powdered gamma radiation? Toxic sludge? The breath of an Egyptian Mau cat and an egregiously terrible plot?

Dear Cellucor, the creators of C4 pre-workout supplement. Did you find a way to legally manufacture meth? I received a sample of your product after finishing Tough Mudder and thought I should try it. I had an intense workout coming up and figured there was nothing to lose. Why not turn my water into some kind of glorified energy drink? With the thought of “glorified” I never imagined my water would be deified by a bolt of pure lightning from Zeus. My skin started tingling, my body began to shake and I was filled with an insurmountable urge to start throwing cars around. I didn’t look in the mirror, but I’m sure if I did I would’ve seen a viridian visage staring back at me. My clothing was loose, so I may well have swelled to swole proportions without noticing it. As instructed, I took the supplement around 20-30 minutes pre-workout. I did however go against the instructions and figured I might as well go for 2 servings, since the sample held that many and I had nothing to seal it with. Had I known the sheer volume of energy about to consume my body I would’ve likely been able to seal the second serving in with heat vision or whatever powers I now possessed.

I didn’t settle for one serving, however, and I felt it. It kicked in almost instantly and for the next 20 minutes I had to type away with the constant worry that my fingers would plunge straight through the keyboard. While sitting, I felt my body vibrate with such intensity I thought I might spontaneously combust. I had to utilise all self control not to perform cartwheels and round-offs around the office. Showing restraint, I took the elevator down. I couldn’t help feeling I would’ve saved time by just jumping out the 10th floor windows and using a combination of momentum and kinetic energy to perform a phenomenal commando roll on the pavement instead. I would’ve, but realised that my extensive benefits wouldn’t have covered the damage to the windows. Maybe that could be a post annual bonus experiment.

After arriving at the gym and waiting for my trainer, I begun to get fidgety. In lieu of waiting, I jumped straight on the treadmill. I set it to my usual speed, but it felt glacial. I put it up. I kept driving it up, higher and higher. By the time I’d reached far beyond my normal peak, I was surprised my hands hadn’t turned to liquid metal from willpower alone. I finished my 5 minute warm up, but my trainer hadn’t shown up yet (likely because in my jittery state I’d turned up 10 minutes early. How was I meant to answer emails when I was worried about crushing the mouse in my fist?). I started stretching, struggling to maintain slow and measured breathing. I pushed and it felt good, some kind of endorphin flow streaming straight to my pleasure centres like an experimental subject. What has your science wrought?

He turned up and things got turnt. My veins thrust out like shorties at an Usher concert, eager to feel like part of the action. I felt an all consuming need to push for more, to lift things simply because I could. Why do some men quest to move mountains? Because your product is fucking over the counter cocaine, that’s why. We did HIIT training and all of a sudden the breaks felt like an imposition. Time moved too slowly, stillness was a curse and any lack of movement was a waste of the privilege that comes with the ability to move. I think I may have achieved bullet time. Does your product peel back the layers of reality to expose its strings and wires? Does it come with a thinly veiled God complex and Christianity subplot? If I keep taking it will I end up in some convoluted and unnecessarily long rave scene? Would I learn that I should’ve stopped after the success of the first time in a vivid evocation of diminishing returns?

I fear your product, because it made me do things I didn’t think myself capable of. I’m afraid I’ll start saying insane idiotic boastful stuff like ol’ Marky Mark. I’m afraid that no club could even handle me, that white girls couldn’t even and my whole life would become uneven as a result. In a way, your product scares me because I’m frightened of my potential. Primarily my potential to become the next Antonie Dixon.

By the way, any chance you could send me some product for the stellar review? I can’t afford to do cocaine and it certainly doesn’t come in a watermelon flavour. Advantage to C4.


4 responses to “Does it contain powdered gamma radiation? Toxic sludge? The breath of an Egyptian Mau cat and an egregiously terrible plot?

  1. Pingback: If a picture is worth a thousand words, what portrait does a thousand entries paint? | I have my doubts

  2. Pingback: Was I being cheeky? Maybe, but I was cracking up too much to notice. | I have my doubts

  3. Pingback: Just pop the tab with your sphincter. Why else would you squat so much? | I have my doubts

  4. Pingback: Creatine? The container is round. They should’ve called it Roundtine! | I have my doubts

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