Sounds like I’m working on another excuse.

I’m sitting at my desk while I hear my heart beat in my chest. There’s no good reason I should feel apprehensive right now, but I do. I sent one email and now I’m waiting with trepidation. It’s been at least half an hour since I last heard my inbox “ding”. It’s peculiar for things to be this still and more so when I’m actively hoping for a response. In this case, no news isn’t good news.

I owe you guys more than laying continual lengths of narrative pipe, because the pay off isn’t that lucrative. I’ve been in my current position for over a year now and it’s not where I want to be another year down the line. I have no problem with my job. I like where I am, but that doesn’t mean it’s the job that nests in my heart. My manager has numerous times given me his blessing to look within the company for where I’d desire to be. My ex-boss said the same. It’s evident that the company wishes to hold on to good employees and part of that is having them satisfied with where they are. I’ve been saying for months that once things quietened down I’d get off my arse and make things happen. That just because I’d become complacent with where I was, that was no reason to stay complacent with where I was. Now that things have quietened down, even if only for a day, it’s time to be proactive and I’m trying to find any excuse not to be.

The thing is, I’ve got my six month catch up with my manager tomorrow. Last time we spoke, he said that by the time our next catch up rolled around he hoped I would’ve looked into possible avenues for advancement. I mentioned that I’d be interested in looking for any potential writing work coming through the company. It wasn’t necessarily what I was looking to do full time, but the extra experience wouldn’t hurt. He said he’d put my name out to the right people and see what came back. Nothing came back. So here I am with the catch up looming on the ‘morrow and I’m still where I was. Regardless of innumerable excuses I could fabricate, I haven’t moved. I haven’t even taken steps.

Having gotten nowhere with the last inquiry he put out, I figure that they only way to get anywhere is to do something about it myself. It’s not like the world or anyone in it owes me anything and good things have rarely come from me shouting out into the aether. I know one department I’d be keen on maneuvering into and I’m well acquainted with the manager running it. It’s also the department that I interviewed for prior to getting this job. Knowing the manager, the read that I get on him is that he’d appreciate me approaching him face to face rather than sending an intricately worded email. This isn’t a new revelation. I had the idea months ago of approaching him and asking if I could engage in a little job shadowing to see how I enjoyed that kind of work. Frankly I need to upskill again or else I’m stuck where I am. That’s all well and good but the main issue with making something happening is that this manager’s a busy guy, constantly on the go. After a few attempts at walking up to his desk and finding it vacant, I began to question my literal and metaphorical approach.

A friend suggested a nice compromise, which was to write up a quick email asking if he had a few minutes to chat. It wouldn’t be pushy and it’d indicate that I wanted to talk face to face. I could then give a concise (me? Concise?) explanation of where my head was at and ask whether he’d be inclined towards me sitting in on the team’s work. An excellent idea, I loved the simplicity and flexibility involved. My friend suggested this compromise a few months back and I still hadn’t acted. My reasoning was that we’d been busy, which was certainly true. That same excuse felt a little thin today. If there was any time to send the email, it was today. I wrote up an email, trashed it and tried again. I tinkered before stripping it right back to a sentence. I read it a few times and before I could read it for the 10th time I clicked send.

Now I’m waiting. Listening to my heart beat. Wondering why I feel this nervous about a very reasonable request. It’s like sending a flirty text and wondering if they’ll ever text back.

I never was any good at flirting.

[EDIT: Five minutes later I went to his desk to ask him anyway and he’d left for the day. *Sad trombone*]

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