My jaw is sore. Turns out that’s what happens when you’re clenching and unclenching it all day long. Turns out clenching and unclenching is what happens when you’re tossed between minor irritations all day. I know that when I get irritated, I’m not good at releasing the pent up frustration. Usually it results in angry circuitous thought that fills me with an unbecoming martyr complex complete with a massive blind spot of logic. It also manifests in a clenched jaw.
Lucky you, folks. You’ve stumbled upon a venting entry.
When a co-worker doesn’t bother to keep up to date with information and somehow that becomes my problem to solve, my jaw clenches. I get that we’re a team and I’m more than willing to do my share. I like a team environment. It’s less enticing when being proactive and questioning something means you’re saddled with the responsibility of fixing it. By nature if there’s an issue I’ll want to ask or check in about it. It’s only become more of an issue lately because my previous supervisor admittedly took on far more than she needed to. Now that she’s gone, a gaping hole exists where all the extra duties she did are up for grabs. I still feel like a junior member of the team, but with all the maternity leaves and departmental shifts my seniority is ever on the rise. I’m stuck in this weird limbo of not feeling right in calling out more senior members to pick up after themselves, while not feeling like I’ve got the authority to give instruction to junior team members. Consequently everything I send out seems to be couched in a “would you mind”, “just checking ” or “sorry to bother you” when I really want to tell them to get their shit together.
Of course, most of this stems from the fact that I don’t have wide enough perspective to see what’s on everyone’s plate. Some people may be busy in ways I couldn’t imagine. Perhaps these errors just gloss over them; they’re dealing with more important things outside work. Perhaps they simply don’t care about their day job. Or I could be expending undue stress about things that aren’t worth it. Maybe it’s like an old boss said, that if I keep asking questions and learning more, I’ll become the person that others come to for answers. Eventually that kind of thing gets noticed and that’s how advancement works. I should just keep on chipping away towards whatever looms on the horizon, quit my bitchin’ and keep that jaw clenched.
I need to keep repeating to myself the obvious truths that I don’t think about when I’m in a negative mood.
I’ve got a good, steady job in an economic climate where that’s pretty lucky. Despite the grumbling, I actually like my job well enough. I like the company that I work for. The benefits and opportunities I’ve been afforded are ridiculous. My job doesn’t define me and I have an identity outside of it. I’m living and working in a city I’d never set foot in prior to 2013. My life is safe and stable. I have huge amounts of autonomy/freedom. Out of anything I could be doing with my life right now, I chose to be here. I have a buttload of potential and few excuses. Mentally and physically I’m capable of doing most anything I put effort into. I have support from all around me and I’m aware enough to realise that it’s sincere.
Even if the jaw clenching becomes a serious issue, I have a dental plan to take care of it.