Did people really say zap? Or do I have to feel shitty that my childhood is a sham too?

I actually kind of liked this idea yesterday. My common sense is telling me that repeating a concept so soon after the original is tacky, but I’d be very surprised if anybody cared. Therefore with more undue fanfare I present to you:


  • I had a blueberry scone today that someone had brought in. That wasn’t the sad part. I’m not that unflinchingly melancholic. It was fine, but unexceptional. Tasting the scone sent my mind back through time and space to the Word of Mouth cafe in the Highbury shops, Auckland, New Zealand. They did a fantastic date scone. It was crispy on the outside but the inside was gorgeously moist. After warming it up, cutting it open and spreading some butter on it, the scone transcended hyperbole to become a literal beam of light. From the many times I visited, I never had a bad date scone there. There’s a significant chance that I’ll never have another one. Even if I asked a friend to mail one to Toronto for my birthday, chances are that the refuges of time would cause it to go stale and it’d only be as good as the blueberry scone I had today. Trust me, even a week old, it’d still be mediocre but not terrible. I want one now and the longing is tearing me apaaaaaart, Lisa. The Word of Mouth Cafe, Highbury shops. You heard it here first (geddit?).
  • I thought about a crush I had when I was eight years old. She was pretty, with long blonde hair. She liked Power Rangers, which I thought was super cool so I wanted to marry her. Whenever we all played Kiss and Catch though, she’d never try and catch me. Nobody would. I imagined how things would work out if we met today and got together. I realised we’d only dress up in Power Rangers morphsuits and have kinky role play sex as Tommy and Kimberly to compensate for the fact that this whole fantasy was predicated on objectification without any tacit emotional connection. I realised that most of my pre-sex crushes (when I was still sincerely used the word “crush”) involved finding someone attractive and using one or more shared interests as justification for putting them on a pedestal and imagining the rest of our lives together. Back then I wasn’t even thinking about sex, most of the time. I just wanted someone who kissed me because they wanted to. Someone who’d want to spend time with me. Since nobody seemed to want that, all I had were fantasies of being desired that translated into one-sided adoration. I didn’t deserve anything, but my biggest fantasy was that I did.
  • Smash Mouth released an unnecessary David Bowie/Queen cover that will probably get more attention than anything I do in my life. I think I’m back on team loaf throwers.
  • I’ve got something that I’m not ready to talk about in solid terms yet. It’s a good thing, but not a definite thing. One of the issues inherent to it though, was giving me strife. I knew my stance and was worried that I was being selfish or unreasonable. I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. Round and around inside my head, I kept playing it over. I read anything I could find on the internet about the issue and saw staunch opinions on both sides without much middle ground. It was really messing with me. While getting a dental check up I asked my dentist her opinion, whether she thought I was going about it the wrong way. She told me that my response was justified and not inconsiderate, but I was still unsure. She called through to the lunch room and called for a fellow dentist she knew would be on the ideologically opposite side of the fence. I relayed my thought patterns and asked her opinion. Did I need to be more flexible or alter my stance? Was there a gap in my logic that I just couldn’t see? Was I a shitty person? Also, were my teeth okay? She said I was fine on all counts, which put me at ease a little. Then I felt weird about the fact that I was getting bent out of shape about something that had gotten no further than discussion and was a macrocosm of a myriad of wider ideas on the subject. If this tiny detail loomed over me, how would I ever scale the monolithic issue as a whole?
  • I thought about how nobody says “zap” anymore, but I don’t have enough cultural capital to make it happen. Smash Mouth dude could probably succeed where I’d fail. Fucker.

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