Sometimes love is sadness. Sometimes you just have to congratulate someone on their ability to gestate.

It’s my birthday, maybe. I was born on the 17th of January in New Zealand. It’s the 16th of January here, but technically it’s already my birthday back home. In honour of how much internal confusion this has birthed, here is the first of two birthday sadness posts.


  • My girlfriend is feeling a bit ill today, which sucks because we’d planned a day of going around doing fun things. Instead we’ve had to take it back a bunch of notches. She hasn’t been able to eat all the delicious things we’d hoped, which has been a bummer. I’d love to be able to take care of her, but without knowing what precisely is wrong with her, there’s little I can do other than send good vibes her way. I don’t know if they’re an effective medical solution.
  • I feel sad that it’s not Valentines Day today, because I just wrote a bunch of Valentines cards for visitors to my party tonight (I think I’ve stretched this sadness theme a bit, but who’s out there policing it?). They’re “personalised”, in that I’ll write someone’s name on a pre-written card whenever they come to the door. Here are the “personalised” cards I wrote:
  • You’re a hot blooded animal! I love that about you!
  • You’re really good at living. I feel like it’s something you’ve succeeded at your whole life!
  • The way your hair protrudes from your follicles is SO attractive!
  • I wrote this while sitting on the toilet because I think you’re so great that it sometimes makes me lose my shit!
  • We’re both naked underneath our clothes!
  • You’ve touched so much air in your life. The air has touched so many other people. It’s like you’ve touched so many people and that touches my heart.
  • I’m in awe of your time travel abilities. Moving forward a whole 24 in a mere day? Wow!
  • I love how we both share the ability to metabolise food for nutrients and eject the waste at a later time. We have so much in common!
  • You have a capacity and talent for breathing that takes my breath away!
  • You’re one of the most human people I’ve met. Like it’s hardwired into your DNA.
  • Remember the year 2000? That was like 16 years ago. I can’t get over how much we’ve both done since then.
  • I admire the placement of your eyes. Also, your pupils are so black!
  • Your voice carries at the speed of sound. That’s awesome!
  • We have so much in common. For instance, we both have digestive tracts!
  • You have so many bones in your body. That’s truly humbling!
  • Remember that time we talked to each other? Wasn’t that the best?
  • You’re the same species as every member of The Beatles! That’s so impressive.
  • You gestated in a womb too? We’re so alike!
  • I can’t get over how many fingernails you have. That’s so cool!
  • Every time I’ve seen you, you’ve had eyebrows! That’s remarkable.
  • I can’t believe how much of your body is composed of water!
  • I so greatly admire your use of movement! It really showcases your command of physics!
  • It’s amazing that you used to be in infant. You’ve changed so much!
  • Remember that time we were both in Toronto? Wasn’t that the craziest coincidence?
  • It’s so inspiring that you lived through September 11th. So courageous!
  • I’ve never met another soul exactly like you. You’re unique!
  • The odds of the two of us meeting out of everyone in the world are so low. Isn’t it crazy that we did?
  • We wouldn’t both be here right now if it wasn’t for the circumstance that brought us both into one another’s lives. Isn’t that amazing?
  • Remember 2015? I cant believe that was a year ago!
  • If Mr Smash Mouth were here right now, I bet he’d say you were an All Star!

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