Things are always contemporary. Until they aren’t.

We live in an age of unbelievable progress. Technology seems to advance with each passing year and as it does, those lofty sci-fi concepts of yesteryear become the norm. Makerbots? Check (3D printing). Self-driving cars? Pretty damn close. Robot maids? Hell yeah we do. The paperless office? Well we could, it’s more a matter of effort. Any of these days we’ll toss out our computer mice in favour of Minority Report style Powergloves. Yeah, the current modern age is pretty damn fly. It’s a good time to be alive.

It’s also hilarious how dependent people become on this technology. So today, we’re looking at all the fun of the modern age:

Smartphone distractions. I get it. I really do. You’ve got a computer in your pocket that can instantly show you the entire world or anything people could conceive of. I question every day why I ever leave the internet. Then I remember that barbecues exist. Some people have trouble switching off and it’s hilarious to see this struggle. Whether it’s someone walking down the road and colliding with others, missing their bus stop or forgetting to step off the elevator at the right time, I love it. There’s nothing that can make you feel so dumb (or a bystander feel so superior) as acting like a dipshit while looking at a piece of glass and plastic. It’s rubbernecking akin to traffic accidents, but people rarely hurt anything but their pride.

The hassles of convenience. Man oh man, it’s so rare that an automated check out line chooses not to shit on my day. I love the concept, it’s the execution that does me in. It’s running through every step in a way that a human could normally forgo. With this system? Not so much. I have to wait through all the menus. No, I don’t want bags. No, I don’t want a receipt. Yes, I want to pay by debit. Why do my items have to be in the bagging area? Of course every time I go there I’ve picked something 50% off and the robot clerk throws a shitfit. Then a human has to come over anyway and my transaction is holding other people up. I want this to work but every time it doesn’t my hopes of flying cars lose a little bit of altitude.

I wanna be adored. Holy shit do we need validation all the time. I’m no different, I’m human just like the rest of you (aside from my web crawler visitors that is. Welcome, you little digital misfits). I post statuses, etc in the hopes that people will think I’m clever and funny and oh so cavalier about my greatness. People want to exude perfection and that unfortunately takes many takes sometimes. The right filter, pose, lighting, etc. It’s precisely why taking video of people who think they’re posing for photos is the best thing. Because of course it all needs to be right and capturing the inherent vanity is a thing of beauty. It’s amazing seeing them get played and all the funnier if they’re not aware of the strings.

We’re so so cheap. Data matters. Statistics matter. These are how we as consumers are being bought and sold and we’re all too willing to sell ourselves for nothing. Our supermarket discount cards, online newsletters/sales, dumb competitions. We think we’re taking advantage of a system that can see a much bigger picture than we can. I’ve waxed lyrical about the three ring circus in the cinema before the film starts, but that’s not where it ends. The Reebok scene from Wayne’s World seemed so far-fetched, but we really are walking billboards now. It might not be so outwardly explicit, but we’re constantly making money for other people, selling their product for them. We’re active clusters of viable commercial data everywhere we go and it’s all sorts of hilarious and sad.

What a time to be alive. That’s not even sarcasm. I mean, I don’t have to fear polio and getting a flu isn’t even a death sentence any more. With all new advances there are gonna be people trying to monetize them. Unbelievable progress, folks.


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