Sharing is caring, or so the maxim goes. Is it possible to care too much? I’m certainly well aware overshare is a possibility. I would know, because it seems to be my modus operandi. A big part of this project was having somewhere to offload my feelings. It’s my space to do with as I will, to think (overthink?) about issues in my life, in society and hypothetical situations. It’s been immensely helpful to vomit my excessively worrysome mind onto the page and review my feelings in times of emotional calm. Having these thoughts centred in a space has allowed others to chime in, to offer their thoughts. I’ve engaged with friends over thoughts that’ve emerged on here. Conversations have begun, friendships furthered by the simple concept of emotional honesty. The thing is, I haven’t always been entirely honest with you folks.
Oh shit, this sounds like a breakup conversation.
It’s not and it shouldn’t. Plus as much as I love you shadowy, faceless readers, we’ve never even kissed (okay, well some of you). Effectively this is more thought vomit about the contents of my thought vomit, like some recursive thought vomit ouroboros. Thoughts whirlpool and catch themselves on related thoughts and create some inner eddy. When I say that I haven’t always been entirely honest with you folks (literally pulled from the previous paragraph. How lazy was that?) I mean it as it’s stated. I have thoughts that don’t make it to page. Innumerable times I’ve paused fingers before pressing them to keys.
Digits daggered in action stance, I reflect and wonder whether or not things are appropriate to write. I wonder if I have a right to put down thoughts concerning others in my life. I consider the impact my thoughts could have if unfiltered, given how difficult it is to capture the fragmented structure of logic twisting and turning in my noggin. It’s often the result of putting other people’s feelings first. Just as often, it’s a lack of ability as a writer, not having the words, grammar and structure to accurately depict the path of mental development that pushed me to where I arrived. Especially in 30 minutes. So with my fingers frozen above the keyboard, where does my mind go? What happens as a result?
I pivot. Paused in place it’s an easy time to rotate, to move in a different direction. I either head towards a neighbouring concept to the problematic issue or turn 180 degrees and displace my restless energy into irreverent silliness. It’s a defence mechanism honed over time. If I find something too difficult to tackle I can either obsess over it in a way that’s entirely unhelpful, or I can put it to the side and leap in the opposite direction. If you see a stream of silly entries in a row, it’s a sign that I’m probably trying to grok something challenging that’s causing me to deflect. Sometimes this in itself helps. Sometimes it helps me calm down and understand that the stakes aren’t nearly as high as they look from a wounded, defensive position.
What it comes down to is that I want to be as honest as possible with you folks as often as I can. Conflict here only arises when the feelings of someone I know could be put at stake. It’s important for me to have this place as a refuge where I can be real. I’m so tired of social media being a pedestal for the best possible version of yourself to be displayed. There are terrible sides to me. Sometimes I have disgusting borderline sociopathic notions of how the world works. I think we all do. I’m a beautiful, messy, munted contortion of a human being and I’ve never tried to hide that fact. I want to share and honour that as best I can.
While it’s all well and good for me to do that, it’s not fair to pull non-consenting individuals down into that vortex with me. It’s the reason I never use names on here. It’s the reason why I try never to pile blame on others in a space where I control the flow of information. It’s the reason why I have a cool down period before talking shit about failed relationships. It takes time to process these things and any initial reactions would be lacking in scope and perspective. They’d be ugly and mean and in all likelihood paint the other person as someone that they aren’t. In what world would that ever be fair?
Sharing is caring, but it takes care to share well.