Core blimey. Sorry, I felt like a token Australia Day pun needed to be shoehorned in somewhere.

People who have slept with me (let’s be real here) all know something about me: I fucking love apples.

Why? I hear you ask

Is it because their pet names are all apple breeds? Jazz? Red Delicious? Granny Smith?

Is it because kinky orchard role play is the only thing that can get you there?

Is it because you like to bite through firm skin into their juicy flesh?

Not remotely. I just fucking love apples and my post coital conversational skills often dwindle to banal subjects like how much I fucking love apples.

If I wasn’t explicit enough about it already, I’m quite the fan. Particular types of course and if I was good enough at searching my own site I’d be able to pull up numerous occasions that I talk about my favourite types. A quick checklist would read: Dense, crisp, sweet and slightly tart. I love apples so much that a shitty apple will ruin my day. If it’s mealy or sour, get that crap out of my digestive tract. Red Delicious can go fuck itself and its clever but deceiving name.

All of this preamble to say, for the past two days in a row, I’ve encountered an issue. For the past two days in a row, I’ve been driven into a fierce internal conflict. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that over the past two days I’ve seen apples in the supermarket for $1.50 each or the fact that I’ve bought them.

It’s a problem, but the apples I like aren’t in season and as such I haven’t bought a bunch. Hence I find myself in price gouge central: Longos Hudson’s Bay Centre. Apples cost $2.49 per pound and while I know it’s borderline robbery, I’ve bought a single apple two days in a row. They were delicious and my only regret is that desperation brought me to this point. The way that I look at it, they’re around the same price as a chocolate bar and I’d rather have a juicy, sweet/tart (sweetart?), dense apple over chocolate. Seriously, it’s not hippy dippy shit, I just love apples that much (as my sex partners would know).

Here’s the part that throws me for a loop: How is this a sustainable situation? Say I had a family (well, I do. I just don’t have offspring) and we all liked apples, how many apples would we buy per week? I’d probably eat maybe 1.5 apples a day (I’m a bit apple eater), so let’s say 10 apples. I can’t imagine the rest of the family would eat as many, but let’s assume two kids and a wife who collectively might eat as many apples as I do. The kids have school every day (and might eat other fruit too) and I it’s likely my partner would work. So 20 apples for a family for a week. If apples were $1.50 each, that’s $30 for a week’s worth of apples. $120 a month on apples. $1440 per year just for apples. Holy shit.

Now, this is at an expensive supermarket and it’s out of season. I’d more likely shop at a local fruit and vege shop. Still, if I’m to find the apples I actually like on season, let’s say that goes down to 99c per pound. Is that conservative enough? So for maybe five months per year (there’s a little leakage into off-season, right?) I can get them at 99c/lb, but for the rest they’re $2/lb. Let’s assume an apple is .60lb, so we’re looking at 12lb of apples per week. Over the viable season, that’s $237.60, but over the other seven months that’s an additional $672. So for an entire year, I’d be paying $909.60 just for apples.

Bummer, guess I need a sugar mama to support my apple addiction.


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