Not Safe For Work content warning, etc etc and general disclaiming. If you’re not into porn things then stay clear. I hadn’t planned on doing this entry, but Facebook wouldn’t let me post the clip so I had no other alternative:
Like most clickbaiters and members of the internet generation, I’m given to bouts of hyperbole. There are things in my life that err on the side of amazing, awesome, phenomenal, unreal and unbelievable. In reality, my life is anything but. Sure, great things happen. I get surprised from time to time. Some situations I get myself seem inexplicable, but like everything else are usually the result of causality.
If you’re questioning the validity of my unnecessarily polysyllabic preamble, it’s because I found a porn clip that’s divine.
Yes, I know what the word means. I hear you out there with your squabbles and frittering. Hey Leon the chorus of voices in my head meant to represent this invisible peanut gallery cry you don’t believe in God, so how can you use that word in any conscionable fashion? Because, dear evocation of my increasingly obvious insanity, this clip is so transcendent that it confirms for me the existence of a higher power. It’s awesome, in that it inspires me awe. I’m amazed that it exists. It’s certainly a type of phenomena. It’s unreal because this scenario achieves a level of absurdity that reality can’t reflect. Lastly, I do not believe that a mere mortal had the insight and sublime humour to create something of this magnitude. In short, some kind of deity certainly exists, because unless I’m hallucinating, this clip exists. I can affirm with certainty that it wouldn’t without celestial intervention.
You may think you’re watching porn, but I can assure you that you aren’t. There is no humanly possible way that someone could stay aroused while viewing this clip. The narrative subverts the conventions of the medium in such a way that the medium is invalidated. It’s known that flexing and forcing other muscles to work is a quick way to bring down an erection. This scene should be forcing you to laugh so hard that your abs will constrict, ruining any hardon that’d been accrued.
The premise to the clip is that this lady’s husband bought a hoverboard from some dude, but couldn’t afford to pay for it. They come back to the apartment to see if she can pay for it, or work out some kind of deal. If this doesn’t seem all that amusing, it’s because you’re not picturing her husband gleefully gliding around the apartment while they fuck. His whimsy is all encompassing. While he’s meant to be in a submissive position, at no point does he give up status. How could he? It’s impossible to not focus on him spinning in circles while he jerks off another dude. The love he has for his wife is considerably less convincing than his lust for this new toy. He just wants to play with it and is willing to do anything in order to satisfy that desire. Of course she gets him to suck this guy off, but in the process his attention is laser focused at the vacant hoverboard offscreen. She’s moaning with this dealer’s member inside of her and he’s too concerned with practicing his spins (while naked except for a helmet). The dialogue is stilted and the delivery is all the actors can manage without breaking down into hysterics. The Harmontown podcast sent me here and I’m so glad to have lived a life with knowledge of this clip’s existence. Are you ready?