Mortaliterial. Absolutely deadicated.

I’m sorry folks, but life as I know it is over. I had a good run, but I’m afraid I can no longer give my existence the maintenance it needs. From now on there’s to be a rapid decline. The basic things I need to live are:

  1. Water.
  2. Food.
  3. Sleep.
  4. Income to pay for all of the above.

Unfortunately, my ability to foster these vital necessities came to an end today. One of my friends was kind(/diabolical) enought to introduce me to a Facebook pun group. I can no longer cook, sleep, work or move when there are puns to be made. So far (and these will seem slightly out of context) I’ve done…

On a shoe store themed post:

  • Did they purchase the property through means of sole agency?
  • Do their sales staff wHeel and deal?
  • Wedge you hear that?
  • Moving outside of just feet really gives you a leg up.
  • I’d really like to sneaker peek in there.
  • How many more can we shoehorn in here?
  • She should’ve kept her eyelets peeled.
  • Wait, they’re just puns. Nobody needs to be ankilled.
  • (in response to a Nike pun) That ticked my boxes.
  • Uh oh, we’ve got a fa-toe-lity over here.
  • You just had to slipper that in there, didn’t you?
  • Hasn’t that one been used? You’re padding for time here.

On an art themed post:

  • Ugh, I need to brush up on my art puns.
  • I’m sure you’ve all got pretty refined palettes.
  • It might stop me from making too many broad strokes.
  • Am I gonna have to resort to making a Ninja Turtles pun? I feel like a Raphael-ure.
  • I guess it was a little abstract.

On an electrical engineer post:

  • This is what I call wish fulfilament.
  • But in the words of Neil Young, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.”
  • It’s alright, I’m sure you’re plenty smart. I’m not expecting Voltaire or anything.
  • Can I put in a plug for eating a full dinner? It’ll give you the energy you need. I give it a glowing endorsement.


And if that wasn’t enough for you, I might as well throw in a pun I made yesterday. This tickled me far too much:

“At the meeting today, my manager asked if everyone was there. I looked around the table and couldn’t see our team member Darwin.
I replied “We’re just missing Darwin. I guess you can say we have a case of… EBITDA-rwin…”
Not even so much as a flinch from anyone present. I think they’ve either evolved the ability to completely tune out my puns or they were working really hard to save me from any embarrassment.”

So if my life is over, does that make me… pUndead?


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