We’re all adults here. Really, we are. It’s part of the entry criteria.

Last night I once again did something that I’d never before done in my 26 years in New Zealand. I visited a sex club. A couple of my friends were doing a porn shoot and spoken word, so I headed along for a night out. Going to a sex club is the kind of activity that seemed wholly verboten until I actually went. It’s amazing how quickly you acclimatise. The first time I stepped I of course had a quick “ooh, boobs” moment. Then I realised how rarely you see male nudity out in public. Dicks everywhere, which meant alternating between staring and trying not to stare and managing how I reacted verses how I thought I should react. After a minute or two shock faded and naked people didn’t seem particularly weird. I mean, everyone’s naked underneath their clothes, right? It was a lot easier to just look people in the face.

So in honour of this all new life experience, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things I’ve done at Oasis:

  • Had sex. I guess this should’ve been a given, being a “sex club” and all. Most of the time I visit it’s with my girlfriend and we find ourselves sauntering up to the third floor for a bit of one on one action. We’ve yet to share bathing suit areas in the back of the Pussy Wagon (yes, a replica back-of-van in the style of the iconic Kill Bill vehicle), but we’ve stained most of the other surfaces. Psyche, everything’s covered in easy to clean vinyl, so no evidence was left.
  • Practiced pole dancing. I think Human Flag is some of the coolest shit out there (but holy shit that push/pull is tough). I’d love to be able to get a decent hold time (I can currently get maybe 1-2 seconds on a descent), so if it’s a quiet night at Oasis I sometimes practice on the stripper pole. It’s mostly fooling around, but I think knowing a couple of tricks would be pretty neat from a physical standpoint. You never know when those kind of skills will come in handy.
  • Hung out with friends around the pool dancing to Lauren Hill. A relaxing all day Sunday adventure where my friends and I just happened to be naked. Yes, some people in the background were fucking. Even, some of my friends were fucking at different points. Who cares? It was chill as hell (the ninth circle anyway).
  • Watched live porn being filmed. It’s kind of cool, but considering half the acts I’ve seen have been friends, it’s more adorable than erotic. It’s great to cheer people on and I assume to get up in front of a room they have to possess some form of exhibitionist tendencies. Why not stoke that ego?
  • Had my first threesome. A wonderful, sexy and gratifying experience. It just so turns out that the other participant and her boyfriend have become some of my favourite people.
  • Played a Magic the Gathering draft. Most people were kind of new to the game, but it was hugely entertaining to play the game I love in my birthday suit. I also walked away with a ludicrous amount of value worth of cards. If I’d sold them off, I would’ve made money on my entrance fee to Oasis. Wait, why don’t I have naked Magic days at my own house?
  • Showered copiously. This is gonna sound dumb as hell, but one of my favourite things to do at Oasis is use the shower. Large shower heads, good pressure, really warm. A massive supply of products that make my hair smell fruity and delicious. If I can walk away feeling warm, clean and smelling like a fresh clementine, what’s not to love?
  • Ordered takeout from surrounding businesses. The best part being that the big greasy burger and fries? I devoured it buck naked. Sauce running down my arms, delicious feast filling my eager maw. Hedonism incarnate.
  • Exchanged puns in the hot tub. Somehow I continue to find like-minded punters who share my lust for words.
  • Performed for a crowd. In the vein of Hysterical Literature, I read aloud from Jitterbug Perfume while my girlfriend went down on me in front of a room full of people. Switching it over, watching her squirm and writhe was a special kind of heaven.
  • Met my good friend’s fiancée. I still find it cute that we first met naked in a sex club. He’s a top notch human with a similar predilection for wordplay. He’s one of those people that makes you regret that conversations have to end eventually. A perfect match for his partner, easily one of the most important people to my life here in Toronto.

You know what I haven’t done? Approached people for sex. Awkwardly gawked at couples in the act. Touched people inappropriately. Participated in a Rock Band night. Some of these are more desirable than others.

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