If it doesn’t happen nothing will cushion the blow.

Are bean bags really worth it? How much does a decent sized bean bag cost? $100? How many times will you really sit in it? It’s novelty furniture, no doubt. It’s the lava lamp of the seating world. You think it’s oh so snazzy and neat, that you’re gonna use it all the time. Then you shell out your hundred bucks and discover it’s cost you $10 per sit. Your friends might get use out of it once or twice and it’ll only remind you how blah-zay and dead inside you’ve become towards that legume themed pseudo-couch. You become actively agitated when people get enjoyment out of it, reminding you of the foolishness of your purchase. You think about what you could’ve done with that money (hint: 7.5kg of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups is a good call. Like this dude who transmuted his winnings from a $100 Magic the Gathering tournament into sweet, sweet nutty chocolate.) and you wither incrementally more each time.

At some point it became the hip thing for offices to have a couple of bean bags around the place. It became shorthand for a hip, youthful, with-it casual workplace culture. Thing is, fellowkids, bean bags are actually kind of a pain to get out of. In truth, they’re ageist fucks, discriminating against those hard of hips and joints. A workmate and I today trialled my bean bag bollocks theory. We’ve got two large bean bags at the end of our floor, so we each took a bag and scrambled to sculpt good butt grooves. It’s a weird angle for your knees. They have to be bent, they can’t just dangle. If you try it your back arches and then you’ve got all kinds of lumbar fuckery going on. You can plant them against a wall in an upper case L shape, but then you’re just trying to imitate a chair. Why the fuck would you even need the beanbag then?

So what I’m really trying to say is, I’m entirely justified in wanting this, right? LOOK AT THAT FUCKING THING. It’s 1.5m by 1.3m and 60cm deep. It could take all the hugs in the world. I could lie on it and snuggle. My girlfriend’s cat and I could hang out on it. It’d finally justify that unused sunny alcove in my room. I want it so goddamn much, but it’s so hard to justify the $500 price tag. The fact that I’m actually trying to justify it shows that it’s hit me on an emotional level that’s outweighing any logical decision making skills I have. A massive snorlax pillow is everything in life I’ve ever wanted out of a pillow/friend. What do I need in order to make this dream come true?

Could I crowdsource or gofundme this into reality? My offered funding rewards could be a salacious photoshoot with snorlax and I. Could I get the furry community to chip in? Do I need to find a sugar mommy? Or perhaps I could start some form of timeshare with other eager cuddlebuddies. Pooling our resources for a massive cuddlepuddle? Could I rent it out as one of those professional cuddle services? If I want it bad enough, I can make this work.

Any suggestions are welcome in the comments. There are very few ideas I won’t consider.


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