I would like to think of myself as a discerning viewer. Of course I would. Why would I want to think of myself as some insipid dolt whose consumption habits emulate those of a black hole? I don’t want everything. I don’t have room for everything in my head. Hell, it’s rare for me to even remember the names of characters in shows I watch. Why would I toss a bunch of subplots, narrative arcs and trivia from things I barely tolerated on top of the pile of shit I’ve already stacked in my brain? No, I have standards. Criteria that must be met in order for my to cash my chips in with some new enterprise. I hope I’m not giving you the illusion that these shows need to be prestige or of a certain quality. I have my own twisted list of ideas that appeal. Without further adieu, here are some things I would watch:
- A spiritual sequel to What Women Want, but with babies instead. Think of it as Mel Gibson being struck by lightning (wish fulfilment already) and gaining the ability to understand What Infants Want. Here’s the twist, it’s not Mel Gibson playing a curmudgeon, but actually Mel Gibson being good ol’ misogynistic, anti-Semitic rage prone Mel Gibson who happens to know what babies want. Somehow he gets saddled with a baby girl who’s the last Jew in the world, thus requiring him to learn how to give himself to something greater than his own petty misanthropy. Also he gets a beaver puppet lodged on his hand, because when hasn’t that worked in a film? Oh, and it’s also set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with roaming biker gangs whose bikes are powered by infants plugged into the handlebars. I can almost smell the oscars already.
- An episode of Inside the Actors Studio where James Lipton interviewed a James Lipton clone and they gloated about the many things James Lipton has done. James Lipton would regale James Lipton with stirring tales of the emotional struggle it takes to be James Lipton and fulfil every role he takes part in. That level of self-fellatio would be enough to make every audience member physically gag, until the entire Actors Studio was flooded with vomit. The last shot of the episode would show James Lipton’s human visage melting away in the acidic vomit while his robotic skeleton became apparent. He would sink into the muck while one hand stood proudly above the tide. The word “marvellous” would echo through the room before everything faded to black.
A title card would proclaim “Directed by James Lipton”.
- A series of Big Brother where every cast member had to be male with at least one younger sibling. The challenges would all involve some level of physical or mental bullying, undermining or violence. What started as a jocular show would descend into a cross between Battle Royale and Saw. Contestants would be “voted off” when they were physically or mentally incapable of competing. The show would be sponsored by Monster energy drink and Tapout.
- A new season of Extreme Couponing that just showcases the arguments erupting every time a reasonable shopper is faced with the selfish bullshit each horder puts the rest of the store through.
- A full season order of Family Forensics.
- A show where Mr Smashmouth thinks his daily life is being filmed à la The Osbournes, but there’s actually a team of scientists lacing everything he consumes with a variety of experimental pharmaceuticals and broadcasting the results to the audience at home.
A guy can dream, can’t he?