Suspended in limbo.

They say forewarned is forearmed. What about being four armed? Being forewarned might not necessarily make you four armed, but if you were four armed would you be forewarned?

I’ve been thinking of appendages and whether mine are adequate. I do appreciate my arms (including hands, obviously); they’re good at grabbing things, lifting things, pulling things and helping me navigate the world around me. Would I appreciate them twice as much if I had twice as many? When I think of prominent figures with four arms, a few come to mind:

  • Goro: Goro was a four armed combatant in the Mortal Kombat tournament. He killed the great Kung Lao and was in general a pain in the arse to beat. He’d teleport to the top of the screen and drop down like an ACME anvil. He also accomplished this with merely two fingers and a thumb on each hand. So I guess in total he has two more thumbs than the average human person. I, in turn give him two thumbs up.
  • Shiva: Shiva’s pretty aspirational. In His duties as the destroyer, He breaks down worlds to ensure their recreation. He takes us apart in order to reform us and move us towards enlightenment. Given the weight of all these duties it’s no wonder He requires twice the armaments of most folks.
  • Killamari: Killamari ain’t no god, but like most Aussies he tends to be a) pretty buff and b) poisonous. This blighter can shoot fucking harpoons from his face, which is kind of badass. If only we were a bit more like Killamari… actually, it’d probably be like the Sydney CBD at 2am. On second thought, maybe it’s best this dude never strayed from 90s Saturday morning television. STRAYA!
  • Dead-Eye Duck (of course there’s a Bucky O’Hare wiki): He’s a fucking pirate duck with four arms and an eyepatch. I’m down with that.
  • Machamp: It can throw 1,000 punches in two seconds. That’s literally unbelievable (as if the rest of this stuff wasn’t).

Look, there’s a whole trope named after this. I think I could get on board with this. Once I worked up my dexterity, just think of the possibilities!

  • I could be productive while also playing with myself.
  • I would be a total kitchen wizard. Chopping multiple things, maintaining two frying pans. Just think of how quickly I could shove noodles into my mouth.
  • I could type while also keeping a hand on the mouse (and pleasuring myself once again, albeit with that awkward left hand jerk).
  • I could high five four people at once or high 10 two individuals.
  • I could still be a lousy piano player. Having more fingers doesn’t suddenly mean I understand music.
  • I could give four thumbs up, or flip off with four middle fingers. I could also mix and match between the two for the digital version of an interrobang‽
  • I’d be way better at urban exploration. I wonder if I could climb buildings. Imagine how well I could rock climb.

It’s settled. I need to find some way of getting an additional two arms. Even if it’s to the detriment of my entire wardrobe, if science has a way I need to be right there behind it. Because I’m all about grabbing progress with both hands.

Just imagine if I could grab it with four.


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