If there was ever a day for a steak and cheese pie…

Happy Pi Day to everyone. I hope you’re celebrating with deliciously crusty pie, served with a side of cool ice cream or fruit. The pie umbrella happens to contain two of my favourite desserts: Key lime and pecan. If you’re baking up either of those two, you have my support and eternal envy.

Also happy Steak and a Blowjob Day to everyone. I hope you’re celebrating with a seared steak, beautifully dense and tenderly cooked to perfection, served with a side of friendly, consenting penis. While I disagree with the origins of the holiday (a revolt against Valentines Day apparently being a holiday for the female aligned folks. Fuck that noise, Valentines Day is great for anyone who has people they love in their lives), I delight in celebrating most anything I can. Plus the allure of a nice meal and play time seems too good to pass up. It also means that Cake and Cunnilingus Day is only a month away. Mark your calendars.

A PSA to everyone participating in the above holidays: I know that efficiency is great and it’s wonderfully inclusive to be able to combine festivities into an all-encompassing celebration, but I hazard a warning. We’ve all seen American Pie. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK INTO A HOT STEAK PIE. You’re risking third degree burns for both the blowee and blower. Have fun, but play safe.

I know I’m looking forward to a good evening. To be honest, the blowjob portion is just another excuse to do what we’d be doing already. It’s not like either of us needs the push. I very much doubt it’s not gonna be reciprocal. Then, after working up an appetite, we’ve got a hell of a meal on our hands. We picked up two delectable looking steaks from Sanagans Meat Locker with helpful cooking instructions. Hot pan, one and a half minutes seared on each side then into an oven (pre-set to 350°F or 180°C) for 5 minutes. We have king oyster mushrooms for one hell of a buttery mushroom sauce. My girlfriend is picking up some vino and we’re gonna cook up a feast. Then to chill out afterwards we’re gonna settle in for nostalgia with The Wedding Singer (to allay my doubts over Late Game Sandler’s phone-it-in-ethic ruining his early charm).

In parting thoughts, do you think anyone still does The Bartman? Some dude who has nothing else going for him in life but his polished Bartman routine from the early 90s? On the odd chance that someone drops this arcane throwback track on the dance floor, he moves his body front to back in a rock like motion, moving his hips from side to side. Wait. Is that just hoola hooping? Does that mean kids around the world are still doing The Bartman and they don’t even know it? Because that would be something worth celebrating.

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