I have a date tonight. I have a date tonight and it has me feeling sorta nervous. I have a date tonight and it has me feeling sorta nervous and I don’t know why. I have a date tonight and it has me feeling sorta nervous and I don’t know why I keep repeating the same sentence structure as if it holds some deeper significance or impact.
If my date isn’t a beatnik I’m clearly in trouble.
The nerves are weird because even though I feel mildly tentative, I’m not dealing with high stakes here. If I have a shitty date I go home to my girlfriend and unpack why things didn’t work out. I’ve got love and support backing me up, annulling the consequences. I have no reason to think it’ll be a shitty date. I mean, she listed Turtles in Time on her OkCupid profile. I know that she has a sense of humour, because obviously we’ve chatted. I don’t just appear at a time and place and tell random women “we’re on a date now. Act accordingly” because I’m not a sociopath. I also know that I have the capacity to be charming from time to time. Failing anything accent privilege steps in and makes people think I know how to flirt when I’m often just being oblivious. The few things I could see happening that’d steer the date towards disaster include:
- She thinks the Air Bud Pawdcast is a terrible idea.
- I accidentally monologue for three hours about Smash Mouth.
- I drink too much and she discovers how bad my Christopher Walken impression is.
- She repeatedly calls me Leron by accident.
- I foolishly let slip that I once ate four steaks between two slices of white bread and was paralysed by meat sweats for the rest of the evening.
- It turns out she hates puns and we’re unable to communicate beyond eyebrow movement.
- She’s actually massively racist.
- She mistakes me for another generic looking bearded brunette white dude and I sit alone while she chats to him for several hours.
- I exclusively talk about my love for the George Foreman Grill.
Provided none of this stuff happens, it could be fine. Given past outcomes, it’s more likely we’ll have a nice conversation. Only one (or neither) of us will feel a spark and we’ll end up being friends (or texting once or twice more before scheduling conflicts cause us to gradually fade away without animosity). No hard feelings will be felt, but things won’t work out.
Perhaps this is the underlying issue. I feel secure in my relationship, so there’s very little to worry about with pending additional connections. I’ve been delving into polyamory for maybe a year now, but had very little progress. It’s not something that I’ve pushed towards naturally, so it’s not like there’s an aching need to be filled. A big part of me feels like I’m trying it out in order to stave off future feelings of loneliness when my girlfriend is dating others. The other part is firmly rooted in the don’t know until you try camp. This could be that puzzle piece that previous relationships were missing. I admire the poly ideology so much and I want it to be something that gels with my own. Because of this, a promising date makes me feel like there is something deeper riding on it. If I keep trying and it doesn’t work, does that mean my relationship has a doomed inevitability? Or could this be the spark that ignites a whole new outlook?
In the words of the famous scribe Smash Mouth: “You’ll never know if you don’t go.”