Today marks the day that this here site, I Have My Doubts, hit 500 followers. “Wow!” I hear you exclaim (because unbeknownst to most of you, implicit to your click to follow this site is tacit consent for me to monitor you constantly. Nanobots are my surveillance technology of choice), “500 whole followers?” You then pause and reflect “is that it? My niece has 50,000 followers and she just reviews her mum’s sandwiches. To hammer that nail in deeper, she eats the same type of sandwich every day.” 500 is not a lot. To put it in perspective, I’ve written 1,101 posts on here. That means that every second time I post, one new person joins along. That’s not a lot. People do the going viral thing and get millions of new followers on one post. Frankly I’m surprised Ellen hasn’t come knocking on my door to address the constantly escalating feud between Mr Smashmouth and I. My follower count is not something I really care about. It’s nice to know that things I put out are appreciated, I’m human and I want to be loved, etc etc. It’d be nice to see a larger reflection of the amount of work I put in here, but then again I did once start writing about how I like to draw squares around things on my desktop with my mouse. Is it really worth people’s time to be reading?
Thing is, I don’t even own ihavemydoubts.wordpress.com. Some shmuck has it and doesn’t use it. The audacity of this young hoodlum. How dare they waste such a prime opportunity with feckless disregard. Just think, they could be using $5 words like feckless too, but instead they shat the bed and put a picture of a grove with some sheep in the background. I wrote an entry that referenced marshmallow porn (which strangely gets the most hits out of anything I’ve done). Not to pull rank or anything, but I’m the eighth listing with a google search of “i have my doubts”. That’s me up there next to the Yahoo Answers question from December 2010. When you’re rolling in the big leagues like this, you clearly need a URL that shows what people are messing with. None of this ihmd.wordpress.com bollocks. Who remembers that? Hell, I typed “ihavemydoubts.wordpress.com” into my browser once or twice and now every time i type “ih” it suggests my domain name rival. I bet it was Mr Smashmouth. That smug Guy Fieri looking motherfucker.
Seriously though, how much does it cost to buy a domain name? $10? $10,000? I have no idea. If you told me that a pound of flesh closest to the heart (somebody’s doesn’t have to be yours necessarily) was part of the deal, I wouldn’t entirely disbelieve you. Where are domain names stored? Is it a black market economy? If I kill the person who owns ihavemydoubts.wordpress.com is that legally binding? How much is bail for murder? Is it cheaper than domain registration? Not on your sole…
What about going for broke and nabbing ihavemydoubts.com? That’s a big dick swinging URL that carries a one-two punch of moxie and chutzpah. I want it. My generations of offspring could look back on it fondly and remember the man I was back when humans still possessed corporeal shells. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.
Damn. I looked it up and it’s taken. Bastards. They’re not even doing anything with it. First ihavemydoubts.wordpress.com, now the big bad wolf of domains is withering away unused. My blood is boiling, a sign that my consciousness hasn’t been uploaded to the cloud yet. The ownership by enom.com expires on the 4th of January 2017 at 6.56pm. If I want to put in a bid to backorder it, it’ll cost me $69. That doesn’t guarantee me the site though, and even if I lose, I’m out the money regardless. Is it time for me to put on my big boy pants? Do I need to bone up and put in? Did that just get unnecessarily sexual for anyone else? I’m not sure about this one, folks.
So I guess you could say, I Have My Doubts.
Maybe don’t say it too loudly though, I don’t technically own the domain *yet*.