I’d say it was a stretch, but I’m afraid that’d cause my limbs will fall off.

I guess I should straight up apologise to anyone who read yesterday’s entry. I started out with a genuine concept for a post that got lost in the intoxicating allure of writing straight up wankery for 30 minutes. It wasn’t fair to you, my ardent fans who relentlessly devour every crumb I toss their way.

HAH. As if. If anyone out there really does follow the dumb shit I write on here to such an extent you really need a new hobby. Go learn lock picking or something.

Anyway, for an inside look at how my gears turn, here was my original conceit. The plan was to hint at some secret I’d discovered then reveal that I’m actually a rapidly degenerating clone with a shelf life of 30 years. Why do I say this? Because I’m half convinced it’s true. I’m no spring chicken, I know this much at least because my joints have been breaking down gradually over the last while. Also I have naught in the way of feathers. Lately though, everything in my body has been going the way of the dodo.

For no discernible reason my gums have started to ache. This is weird, considering I’ve got nigh on anal retentive dental habits. I brush twice a day with an electric toothbrush. I tongue scrape, floss and mouthwash each morning before leaving the house. I get regular check ups and my gum health has been getting progressively better. Out of nowhere this week my gums have been sore. Really sore. Heavy chewing results in throbbing ache that lasts for upwards of a minute or two. My morning flossing has been an exercise in sustained self-abuse. Oddly enough there’s been no blood, but I’ve been left reeling from the action. It’s slowly been improving over the past few days, but without my habits lagging I can’t think of a reason for the lingering torture. It’s probably worth a mention that in flossing the other day the thin material tore straight into my rotting skin, leaving a small cut by my finger joint. The vat I was grown in didn’t prep me to live this long.

My right hand also decided to pack it in. Because I’m the kind of idiot who likes to Web MD things, I’m half convinced I’ve got early onset arthritis going on. There’s an occasional twinge of pain where my thumb connects to my wrist. This kicks in when I grip things too hard or flex the thumb a little too far. Could it be some kind of RSI? Or is it just that the biological putty my clone body is composed of has reached its expiration date? I was clearly only ever meant to last until the age of 30, with another simulacrum about to tag in at the end of this third decade.

My knee has been shitty for a while now, but over the past few weeks my adductor/groin have been so tightly wound I could be confused for an upright bass. What am I doing wrong? Was I not meant to walk for this many years? Was I built with the expectation that we humans would’ve discovered levitation by now? Thanks a bunch science, what’ve you ever done for me? It’s been a ton of joint pain, compounded by the fact that I went dancing last weekend. Seriously, dancing is enough to break my body down almost entirely. I don’t know if it’s the twisting, reaching, stomping or erratic movement in general. Whatever my body does when faced with a beat and rhythm, it’s against the wishes of my internal programming. My lower back aches, my neck’s range of movement is limited. Even my rotator cuffs feel like they’ve been worked over with a lead pipe.

Whoever it was that put me together, may I propose a compromise? I’m sure you’ve got a ton more floppy lifeless flesh sacks waiting to be given consciousness. Why not just cannibalise them for parts for my benefit? I’ve got enough self-awareness to know that while my body has outlived its usefulness, you could save a ton of strife acclimatising your new clones to society by skipping that step completely. I mean, how many more years are we even gonna use bodies? I just need 15-20 years, then we’ll for sure evolve beyond physical form. C’mon, be a pal.

You may be a mad scientist, but that’s no reason to not be reasonable.

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